ADDICTION
Almost everyone has been impacted by addiction.
Here's my definition of it [and recovery].
Addiction is a downward spiraling syndrome gotten
into through the pursuit of feelings, alternate states of consciousness, or
pain-avoidance, in which the primary or only substance/activity that causes one
to feel good or OK is also progressively and increasingly diminishing the
overall quality of his/her life and health.
Recovery is the usually slow or life-long process
by which one suffers through the absence of the only substance/activity that
makes him/her feel alive, replacing it with a regimen of spiritual growth,
relationships, and healthy activities that slowly displace the need for the destructive
substance/activities, and provide genuine life-fulfillment.
When we stay "high" all or almost all the time, "high" is no longer "high" but a new normal that is substance induced and substance dependent.
There are ways
to feed the hungers of the heart which do not legitimately satisfy, but rather
feed the hunger, so that, ultimately one is consumed and devoured by the
hunger. These are labeled
"addictions".
There are ways
to feed the hungers of the heart that satisfy evermore deeply, bring peace and
joy, and become an over-flowing source of fulfillment for the soul-hunger of
others. This is labeled spiritual growth
or the pursuit of God; or perhaps more concisely, discovering Divine Love.
A major
component of successful recovery is honesty.
Deception feeds addiction. A
radical commitment to honesty with our recovery partners or counselors or
family members is a necessary ingredient to success in recovery. We must be very careful in the recovery
process that we do not regress into adolescent "sneakiness'. There is a certain rush of excitement
associated with "sneaking around" and doing something against the
"rules". This becomes one
of the desirable effects of the addiction syndrome. We feel very alive when we are 'sneaking
around', seeking our drug. Maybe we'll
score; maybe not. Maybe we'll get
busted! There's an adrenaline rush and
the anticipation of the effects of the drug.
It's all very exciting - in an extremely neurotic way. There is frequently an aspect of rebellion in the addictive syndrome: "They [those people who want me to be clean and sober] cannot tell me how to live my life!"
We are all
addicted - to various needs of the heart.
Psycho-spiritual growth [growth into Christ] is the only legitimate way
to fulfill those needs.
People who love to drink alcohol and who are being drawn down into its dark vortex seek every opportunity to do so. If they are sad, they drink. If they are celebrating anything from a birthday [even a child's birthday] to a job promotion, they drink. They drink at sporting events--something that is promoted by the purveyors of alcohol. They ritually drink after work, especially rigorous work. They only feel comfortable in social settings that involve alcohol. All activities that do not involve alcohol feel like marking time: bland and something to be endured until access to alcohol returns. They feel less and less alive sober, and progressively more reliant on drinking to feel ok. They have a growing inner craving, even in their physical bodies, for alcohol. They feel frustrated in any situation that keeps them away from alcohol. Because they are surrounding themselves with people who are also being enslaved, they manage to feel outwardly ok about the syndrome, even though any realistic evaluation of their lives would reveal many obvious symptoms of deterioration. But they do not evaluate themselves objectively because it would threaten their deepest need: ingesting alcohol. This avoidance of honest self-evaluation is called denial, and it becomes stronger and more militant when threatened by the truth. It is the frontline barrier against recovery and restoration. The disease involves the deterioration of body, mind and spirit. One becomes less and less functional in many, eventually all arenas of life. It is fueled by a growing inner sense of shame and feelings of personal failure. These feelings are pushed down into the unconscious because they are too hard to bear in light of the ongoing need for alcohol. The alcohol obliges by making those feelings go away, giving a momentary relief; but they always return with a vengeance. The only way out of this syndrome, the only cure for the disease, is a radical shift in the sufferers' life--a major realignment of his life that affects every arena of his life. This is called recovery. It involves a strict adherence to truth, accountability to others who are also awakening from the nightmare, and spiritual growth, since the problem, perhaps like all problems, is spiritual at root. It is motivated by Love for ones self and for all who love him/her. It is a rigorous lifestyle that involves a different kind of suffering than the drinking/using lifestyle, to which the addict has now become accustomed. [It's difficult to exchange a new form of suffering for a familiar one.] But this new, recovery suffering leads to a beautiful restoration of a precious soul, capable of bringing much light into the world.
All of these facts are well known and irrefutable by any rational mind.
Thought those of you who are dealing with an addict in recovery, or are in recovery yourself, might be interested in this article.
Mark
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological
abuse where false information is presented to the victim by a spouse
or another primary attachment figure, causing the victim to doubt his
or her perceptions, judgments, memories, and even sanity. The term
derives from the 1938 stage play,
Gaslight, and a pair of film
adaptions, one in 1940 and a more famous one in 1944 starring Charles
Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In the 1944 film, Boyer’s character
convinces his wife (Bergman) that she’s imagining things, such as
the occasional dimming of the house’s gas lights, as part of his
ongoing effort to steal her deceased Aunt’s money and jewels. (The
gas lights dim whenever he is in the attic, searching for the
treasure.) Over time, his insistent and persistent lies cause her and
others to question her sanity.
Despite the somewhat outlandish plot of
Gaslight, denying
someone’s intuitive sense of reality is in fact a relatively common
form of abuse and manipulation. In my practice I see this sort of
behavior related to marital infidelity quite often, especially when
sexual addiction is involved. In these situations, the cheated-on
spouses have typically had their intuition and reality denied for
years by their unfaithful partner, who continually insists that he or
she is not cheating, that he or she really did need to stay at work
until midnight, that he or she is not being indifferent or distant,
and that the worried partner is just being paranoid, mistrustful, and
unfair. In this way betrayed spouses are made to feel as if they are
the problem, as if
their emotional instability is the issue.
Over time, these individuals lose faith in their ability to perceive
reality, and they start to blame themselves for what they are
thinking and feeling.
Of course, it’s not just unfaithful spouses who engage in
gaslighting. Alcoholics, drug addicts, and behavioral addicts of all
types (gambling, video gaming, spending, and the like) employ the
same exact manipulative actions, working hard to convince their
spouses, families, friends, employers, and everyone else that they
(the addict) are not doing anything wrong, and if it looks like they
are, then it’s because the other person (the non-addict) is
misperceiving the situation.
Tom and I met when I was in my late-twenties. He was
divorced, but I’d never been married or even close to getting
married. At the time I felt like I was finally ready for a serious
relationship, and Tom seemed like the perfect guy to pursue that
with. When we started dating, he was charming and sweet. I noticed
that sometimes he drank a bit more than I would have liked, but we
were young and I figured that hey, nobody’s perfect, right? The
only thing that really stood out back then was that once in a while
he would disappear for a couple of days, not returning my phone calls
and not answering the door when I went to his house. I really felt
abandoned when he did that, and I even thought about breaking up with
him. But then he would come back and he was always so apologetic,
saying he’d gotten caught up with a big project at work and needed
to give that his total focus. Then he would say something like, “I’m
only so serious about work because I want to make a better life for
us. I’m doing this for us. I wish you could understand that and not
be so sensitive.” Then I would feel guilty and think that I was a
bad person for doing things like going to his house and trying to
find him. Or sometimes he would show up for dates smelling of
alcohol, and when I would ask if he’d been drinking he’d say I
was imagining things or that I was smelling mouthwash. It made me
feel crazy when he said things like that, like I really was being
unfair to him to even mention these things.
After a year of dating, we got married. By then I was
grateful that he was willing to put up with someone as crazy as me.
And the whole time we were married he had me convinced that it was me
who had the problem, that I was just emotional and unstable. Even
when he came home stumbling and reeking of alcohol, which happened
more and more often, he would either deny that he was drinking or say
that it was a work function and he had to drink at it to fit in, or
that he was entertaining a client who was a heavy drinker and needed
to keep up as a way to close the deal. Plus, his disappearing act got
worse as time went on. Still, he always had an excuse, and he always
made me feel like I was just imagining things or being too sensitive
and too untrusting if I questioned him. Sometimes he would just flat
out lie and say he’d definitely told me he was going away to a
convention for a few days. The worst was when he would accuse me of
being just like his horrible ex-wife. And always, I found myself
believing whatever it was that he told me. I only realized how much
he was lying to me after his company fired him for being drunk on the
job one too many times. I felt so stupid then, knowing I’d been
right along but instead of trusting myself I’d chosen to believe
his lies, thinking that I was being unfair and emotionally unstable.
Now I’m afraid to start dating again because I don’t think I can
trust anyone, especially not myself. I just feel damaged and crazy.
- Maria, 35, recently divorced
In truth, the lies that addicts like Tom intentionally perpetrate
upon their loved ones so they can continue their addictive activity
without interference are absolutely relentless. And usually they are
just plausible enough to
possibly be true. And when these
gaslighting behaviors continue over a long enough period of time, the
victim may begin to doubt his or her feelings and intuition, as Maria
did, eventually starting to believe the addict’s lies and
manipulative defenses. When this occurs, the victim often takes on
responsibility for the problems in the relationship, even though the
addict is causing the vast majority of those problems. Do you
remember Maria’s response when Tom asked her to marry him? “By
then I was grateful that he was willing to put up with someone as
crazy as me.” Already she had assumed blame for the feelings
his
behaviors were causing.
The truly unnerving part is that even emotionally healthy people
are vulnerable to gaslighting, primarily because it occurs slowly and
gradually over time. It’s a bit like placing a frog in a pot of
warm water that it is then set to boil. Because the temperature rises
so gradually, the frog never even realizes it’s being cooked. We
see this exact scenario with Maria, a relatively healthy individual
who was slowly drawn into Tom’s insanity as a way to keep her
relationship intact.
Sometimes spouses and partners of addicts can become codependent
with the addict, meaning they feel compelled to aid and abet the
addict in his or her addiction, even when their “assistance”
serves no positive purpose and in fact does damage. In essence, they
become the addict’s de facto caretaker and enabler. When this sort
of unhealthy codependency is coupled with gaslighting, the result may
be a
folie à deux – a delusion shared by two (or more)
people with close emotional ties. A minor version of this would be
Maria’s belief that the alcohol she sometimes smells on Tom’s
breath is “all in her head,” though Tom would also need to truly
believe that lie for this to qualify as a true
folie à deux.
Sadly, gaslighting behaviors are often more distressing than
whatever it is that the addict is attempting to cover up. With Maria,
for instance, the most painful part of Tom’s behavior wasn’t that
he drank too much on a regular basis and occasionally disappeared on
drinking binges, it’s that he lied about it and made her feel crazy
and mistaken for doubting his many semi-plausible excuses and even
his outright fabrications.
Gaslighting is a Form of Betrayal Trauma*
There are many types of trauma, but usually the most painful and
long-lasting is trauma that involves the betrayal of relationship
trust. These traumas are intentional acts of mistreatment, neglect,
abuse, and even violence perpetrated by individuals in close
relationship to the victim. Making matters worse is the fact that
betrayal traumas are often chronic, occurring repeatedly over a long
period of time. Usually the difficulty for the victim is that
mistreatment occurs in the context of a relationship that has other,
more positive elements that can obscure or override the true meaning
and power of the abuse. In Maria’s case, her relationship with and
emotional dependency on Tom left her vulnerable to the trauma of
gaslighting because, in her mind, she needed him more than she needed
the truth.
Over time, chronic betrayal trauma (such as gaslighting) can
create a stress pileup, leading to anxiety disorders, depression, low
self-esteem, attachment deficits, and more. In one
study
that examined the effects of chronic sexual betrayal, a majority of
the cheated-on spouses experienced acute stress symptoms
characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder – a pretty serious
diagnosis. After more than twenty years working with cheaters and
their betrayed spouses, not to mention addicts of all types and their
betrayed spouses, I can assure you that it isn’t any particular
sexual act or addictive behavior that causes the most emotional pain.
Instead, it’s the constant lying, deceit, and being made to feel
judgmental, wrong, and just plain crazy. In other words, it’s not
the cheating or the drinking/drugging that does the most damage, it’s
the gaslighting – the denial of reality.
Is it any wonder that when an addict’s loved ones finally find
out they’ve been right all along they sometimes respond is ways
that make
them look crazy? The simple truth is that, as
survivors of chronic betrayal trauma, it is perfectly natural for
these men and women to respond with rage, anger, fear, or any other
emotion. Ingrid Bergman ably displayed all of these responses in her
Oscar winning performance, just as Maria displayed them in her
marriage. This is the psychological abuse that addicts
intentionally
inflict upon their spouses, families, and friends – all so
they can continue their addiction unabated.
Unfortunately, the spouses and partners of addicts, despite the
hurt, anger, confusion, and betrayal they experience, often resent
the idea that they might need help to deal with their feelings. And
this resistance is perfectly natural. For those who’ve experienced
the betrayal of addiction (and the gaslighting that very often
accompanies that betrayal), the obvious and overwhelming impulse is
to assign blame to the addict. Nevertheless, many of these spouses
and family members do need therapeutic assistance, especially to
recognize and process the trauma of gaslighting. At the very least
these individuals need validation for their feelings, education and
support for moving forward, empathy for how their life has been
disrupted by the addict’s repeated betrayals, and help in
processing the shame they feel about falling for all of the addict’s
now obvious lies and excuses.
When betrayed spouses and other loved ones choose to remain in
their relationship with the addict, as they often do, it is usually
quite some time before they are able to reestablish trust in anything
the addict says or does. Rightfully so, too, after what they’ve
been through. Happily, if the addict is committed to long-term
behavioral change (sobriety), living honestly, and regaining his or
her personal integrity, the redevelopment of relationship trust is
indeed possible. And when they betrayed partner joins the addict is
his or her efforts at growth by also engaging in a process of
support, education, and self-examination, this renewal is even more
likely.
Nevertheless, some loved ones do ultimately conclude that the
violation they’ve experienced at the hands of an addict is greater
than their desire to remain in the relationship. For these
individuals, trust cannot be restored and ending the relationship may
be the best they can do. Just as a betrayed loved one is not wrong to
continue a relationship with an addict, he or she is also not wrong
to end it. Ultimately, more important than whether a betrayed
individual chooses to stay or go is how he or she goes about growing
beyond the loss. This sort of recovery places a powerful emphasis on
developing and trusting instincts, finding a greater willingness to
express emotions, engaging in self-care and self-nurture, and
developing an ongoing and trustworthy peer support network.
Oftentimes this begins in therapy, including group therapy with other
people who’ve experienced betrayal and gaslighting related to
someone else’s addiction. It may also include 12-step support
groups like Al-Anon and CODA.
* The concept of gaslighting as a part of betrayal trauma has
evolved from the clinical work of Omar Minwalla, Jerry Goodman, and
Sylvia Jackson MFT.
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical
Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed
clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee,
Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery
Institute in Los Angeles. A licensed UCLA MSW graduate and personal
trainee of Dr. Patrick Carnes, Mr. Weiss is author of
Cruise
Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men and
Sex
Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love
Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of both
Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the
Internet Age and
Closer Together, Further Apart: The Effect of
Technology and the Internet on Parenting, Work, and Relationships,
along with numerous peer-reviewed articles and chapters.
