Tolerance: Some Clarity

Greg Koukl, a Los Angeles based author, professor, talk show host, and Christian apologist, speaking at a recent conference in Monroe, LA, gives us some important clarity on the issue of tolerance. He points out that the classical idea of tolerance is being supplanted by a post-modern view. The classical view of tolerance is defined as treating each person with respect regardless of his or her ideas. The post-modern view is that no idea or viewpoint is more wrong than another.  History, life experiences and common sense tell us that some ideas are better than others: Some are right, wrong, good or better.  “We should have the freedom in public discourse to figure out which is which.  True tolerance applies to how we treat people, not how we treat ideas.” We should always treat people with dignity and respect. But we must not define tolerance as the consideration that all ideas are equally good.  The end result of this post-modern definition of tolerance would seem to be that no one could take issue with any idea without being considered intolerant. This would suppress  public discourse. The challenge facing Christians is our ability to walk the narrow pathway of having the courage, in the face of the accusations of “intolerance”, to speak the truth of the Scriptures; and the self-control not to “lose it” and react in anger or disrespect when we are treated as “bigots” or the like. As always, the primal enemies are fear and anger. May God give us grace to walk this pathway and be the light that Christ, in His Love for ALL people,  has ordained us to be.

FAMILY OF ORIGIN WOUNDEDNESS

 

 

 

As a therapist, I have seen the sometimes devastating effects of growing up with parents who are spiritually immature. Some of those parents are addicted to substances that destroy or severely impede their ability to properly love and nurture their children. Some of those parents are carrying a load of woundedness themselves, going back generations into the past.  Some of them are mentally unstable, narcissistic, unwilling or unable to become mature adults.  But no matter what psycho-spiritual condition our parents are in, we are vulnerable to them in the most formative and malleable stages of life.  God commanded us to “honor” them; and created us with a natural tendency to do so.  The word “honor” carries the meaning “to place heavy emphasis on the words of.”  Before we are even aware of God’s command to do so, we are born placing “heavy emphasis” on the words, actions, attitudes, etc. of our parents.  They have a deep impact on our lives—for good or evil.  I have met many people who wish that God had given them different parents, or who are angry at Him for allowing them to be born to their parents. Our innate vulnerability to our parents or caretakers has felt like a curse to some people. 

Here’s the good news:  The same God Who created us with an innate vulnerability to our parents has given us access through Jesus Christ to His Holy Spirit, and, in this Spirit, the power to overcome the full breadth, depth and height of the woundedness we suffered through them.  God is fair. He did not create us to be the victims of our parents’ failures.  [Read Ezekiel Chapter 18.] In Christ we find a healthy [not perfect] family that is able to be a manifestation of His love toward us. In Christ we discover “normal.”  Christ is the image we emulate now—not some dysfunctional human.  His Spirit is becoming the guiding power of our life, replacing the patterns and feelings we inherited from our earthly family.  Jesus said “If you continue in my word, you are my disciples indeed, and you will know the Truth, and the Truth will make you free.” [Jn8:32].  A key word in that phrase is “continue.”  Healing does not come easy for anyone, no matter what kind of family we grew up in. Even if we have very loving, mature, and stable parents, life in this world is difficult and fraught with tribulation.  If I am “born with a silver spoon in my mouth” and do not ultimately come to Christ, that silver will tarnish and turn to mud. We are not responsible in any way for what we inherited from our parents; but we are one-hundred per cent responsible for what we do with it. And whether we were given five talents or one, we will be recompensed by God for what we do with them. [Mt. 25:14-30]. “To whom much is given, much shall be required…” [Lk 12:48].

The danger that we face when we are born into extremely dysfunctional homes is that we continue to wallow in the mire of victimhood, rebellion, anger, or feelings of deprivation and inferiority. Jesus lovingly [at first] and then powerfully confronts this tendency in us. God forbid [He does forbid!] that we should live out our lives under the curse of a dysfunctional upbringing. If we do so, we will pass it down to the following generation, just as it was passed on to us.

The solution:  We must enter the crucible of radical trust in Christ, radical obedience to His love, forgiveness and grace; and remain in it until all the remnants of evil that were projected into us through the imperfections of our parents are burned away in the “consuming fire.” [Hebr. 12:29].  This is a life-long process for all of us. It is our sanctification.  There is no better way to live. Whatever difficulties this Way leads through, it leads ultimately to abundant life, peace, joy and eternal life—all promised by our Lord. The fulfillment of these promises has been attested to by people who have been exposed to the worst of the worst in terms of life circumstances.  But only for those who have “continued”.

 

Honor your father and your mother. [Ex.20:12]

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [Phl. 4:13]

That which is impossible with man is possible with God. [Jesus Lk 18:27]

And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. [Jesus Mat 24:12-13]

 

 

Civility: The Bottom Floor

 

Jesus teaches us to love our enemies, bless those who curse us, do good to those who hate us, and pray for those who despitefully use and persecute us. [Mt. 5:44]  God, through Paul, commands us not to return evil for evil, but to overcome evil with good. [Rm. 12:21] In Ephesians we are commanded to be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other as God, because of Christ, has forgiven us [Eph. 4:32].  Self-control is cited as one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit [Gal. 5:23].  The Bible is full of warnings about uncontrolled anger [Prov 15:1, 18; 16:32; 19:11; Ecc. 7:9; Amo 1:11; Eph 4:31; Col 3:8].

Despite all this, in the counseling room, I have repeatedly seen the disheartening results of anger run amuck.  Anger is one of the most difficult and potentially destructive emotions experienced by humans.  We speak of “losing it”, “going off on someone”, “exploding”, “going ballistic”, etc.  We see physical and verbal abuse; and the equally devastating effects of “stonewalling” or withholding love to passive-aggressively punish a loved one. Whenever we express anger in these ways, we set ourselves back in the forward movement of our growth and in the growth of our relationships. I have never, in 30 years of counseling and 43 years of marriage, seen inappropriately expressed anger have a net good effect. It always, without fail, has a negative effect.  If you think of building a good life [good relationships, security, peace, trust, harmony, contentment, joy, etc.] as a process like building a beautiful house in which to live; blowing off anger in abusive ways is like tearing down a wall or a staircase of the house.  We have to rebuild it! If we “lose it” again, we tear down more of what we have been working to build. If we repeat this cycle enough times, we can destroy the hope of ever building the house. Our loved ones will know that, no matter how sorry we are for the damage done in our anger, no matter how apologetic we are, it’s going to happen again. And even if they forgive us, they do not trust us. We have not given them a reason to. There is no substitute for self-control. There will never be enough apologies to make up for it. We cannot be good enough in other areas of our life to make up for the lack of self-control in anger. There will never be a justification for “losing it.” Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 5:44, makes it very clear that He does not want our behaviors to be determined by the bad behaviors of others. He does not want us to react emotionally; He wants us to respond spiritually. Until we master our anger, we are not safe for our loved ones; and we should not expose them to the danger of our lack of control. It is not fair to pressure a loved one to stay with us in a relationship if we are not practicing self-control. It is like pressuring them to stay on a battlefield with land mines. They never know when they will step on one. This is incredibly stressful for them!  Love constrains us to master our anger so that nothing—absolutely nothing—can trigger an out-of-control episode. A famous statement in the world of therapy is, “If someone pushes your buttons, get rid of the buttons.” 

A wonderful and powerful commitment to make is: No matter how angry I get, I will never go below civility. Whatever needs to be accomplished in any situation can be accomplished within the boundaries of civility. If something cannot be accomplished within the bounds of civility, it cannot be healthily accomplished, and my efforts to make something happen using abusive anger will be counter-productive.  The good that comes will be off-set by the negative effects of my abusive anger.

Civility and self-control are manifestations of strength. Abusive anger is a weakness.

Civility and self-control manifest as the ability to maintain a sense of fairness and good will toward someone who is behaving badly and perhaps not currently demonstrating those traits. It is a commitment to respond vs. react. It involves integrity matched with humility. It is not fawning or servile. It is willing to listen for and respond to truth even when the speaker is uncivil.  It encourages a civil response from others.  It speaks the truth in love, even if that truth is not well received. It does not back down from conflict, but it does not seek to incite conflict; contrarily, it seeks civil discourse regarding opposing viewpoints. It is willing to disagree agreeably, and part as friends with anyone who is also practicing these principles; and maintain a compassionate stance toward one who is not yet mature enough to practice these principles. It does not abuse, and it does not tolerate abuse.

 

Here are some definitions of civility to meditate on:

Civility is described in the following way by the National Civility Center:

 "Civility is a variation of the ‘Golden Rule’. It is being kind, courteous, polite, and avoiding overt rudeness. In community improvement it relates to higher-minded and self-sacrificing behavior. Civility is the "how" when it comes to building relationships."

 -Jay Newman & Kent Roberts

 National Civility Center

“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements” – Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, Founders of the Institute for Civility in Government

 

"Civility means a great deal more than just being nice to one another. It is complex and encompasses learning how to connect successfully and live well with others, developing thoughtfulness, and fostering effective self-expression and communication. Civility includes courtesy, politeness, mutual respect, fairness, good manners, as well as a matter of good health. Taking an active interest in the well-being of our community and concern for the health of our society is also involved in civility." --P. M. Forni,

 

Lord, please empower us to be self-controlled and civil no matter how angry. May You Spirit be the controlling factor of our behaviors especially when we are enraged.

You are a Student and a Teacher

 

 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you will find rest for your souls. [Jesus Mat.11:29]

 

Go  therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:   Teaching them to observe all things  I have commanded you: and I am with you always, even to the end of the world. Amen [Jesus, Mat 28:19-20]

 

We are lifelong students of our Lord, Jesus. He teaches us how to love our people—those in our sphere of influence. He teaches us how to live a life of loving kindness, good will, peace and joy. He leads us in the Way of Truth and goodness, and teaches us the meaning of “success”.    His parables have a depth of meaning that never stops unfolding before our eyes, and in our hearts. Just as He was transformed before the eyes of His disciples, so that they could see Him in His radiant divinity, He transforms within us; and he transforms us into the creatures that we were created to become. We joyfully take His yoke upon ourselves and learn from Him. We joyfully bear the burden of loving our fellow humans. We have come to understand that there is no better way to live—no better way of being in the world. He continually imparts wisdom and peace to us.  He perpetually reminds us of the glorious promises of God: to be with us always, even to the end of the age; to complete the work He has begun in us; to work all things together for our good; to sustain us through all of life’s tribulations; to give us cheerful, compassionate hearts; abundant life; joy;  peace; victory over all the dark and oppressive  forces of this world; and eternal life. He continually teaches, guides and sustains us through life. He continually imparts to us all that we will ever need to be free and joyful servants of God and man. We live in this eternal Reality.

And we are teachers, as He has commanded us. We teach, by our example and with our words, all that He has imparted to us. We teach our children, and we teach anyone who has the ability to hear. We teach with humility, always aware that that we are not the Source of Truth: we are the recipients and channels of it. We understand that God loves those who are far away from Him as much as those who are close. We gladly offer all He has given to us.  We accept deeply that some will hear and receive; and some will not. Following His example, we do not allow rejection to deter us. Always there will be some who will hear, and find true Life. We rejoice with Him and all the angels in heaven for these. We lament, with Him, the sadness of those who do not hear. But we always allow His peace to return to us, as he commanded. Joy always has the final word in Christ.

This is what we live.

This is what we teach. 

We are thankful.

 

Lord Jesus, we gladly sit at your feet like Mary. We gladly receive all that You impart to us. Give us courage and clarity to be capable teachers, in all humility and peace. Amen.