Christianity compared to Islam

Christianity compared to Islam

Luke 13:20-21 And again he said, Whereunto shall I liken the kingdom of God?
It is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened. [Jesus]

Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well. For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: As free, and not using [your] liberty for a cloak of maliciousness, but as the servants of God. Honour all [men]. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king.

1Pet 2:13-17

 Then saith he [Jesus] unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.Mat 22:21  

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you, and persecute you;
That you may be the children of your Father  in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? do not even the unbelievers do the same?
And if you respectfully treat your brothers only, what do you more [than others]? do not even the unbelievers so? [Jesus] Mat 5:44-47

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Eph 6:12

I have spoken openly to the world. I always taught at synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret…Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said.” [Jesus] Jn.18:20-21

…We have renounced secret and shameful ways, we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. [Paul] 2Cor.4:2

Christianity, when it is lived out in the way its Founder intended, is like yeast, salt, and light. It enters into any system of human endeavor and enhances it with grace, compassion, and all that is good; exposing that which is selfish or mean. It trusts that good will prevail if we simply live the Truth of Christ ourselves. In Christ we realize that the good cannot be forced, in a military or political manner, upon anyone. But we fight for goodness in the heart of men; and we fight against evil as warriors of the heart. Our “jihad” is spiritual only, [Eph 6:12] except in the case of defense against hostile forces, led by the prince of this world, that would forcefully take away our freedom of religion and prevent our children from hearing and freely abiding in the Truth of Christ. We support [and do not try to dominate] any government that allows freedom of speech and freedom of religious expression, but we will fight against oppression of Truth as it has been revealed by Christ, Who loves all, and desires the best for all. Jesus teaches us to love our enemies, bless those who curse us, and pray for those who use us [Mt. 5:44]. He ordains us to teach and encourage His Way, but He does not allow us to force it upon anyone. Though He condemned and sternly confronted evil, He prevented the stoning of an adulterous woman by pointing out to those with the stones that they were no more righteous than she. His doctrine is safe for the unbelieving human family, and they have nothing to fear from it. Jesus did not kill anyone, and He did not allow His disciple to protect Him with the sword when His enemies came at night with false accusations. Furthermore, He never used deceit, and does not condone its use. He spoke openly, even though it cost Him his earthly life. Any manifestation of Christianity that is deceptive, mean, hateful, cruel or physically forceful is not in accordance with the One for Whom it is named. It is out of accordance with the teachings of Jesus, and therefore not a true manifestation of Christianity, and cannot be used to judge Christianity. Christians themselves judge as unrighteous, in no uncertain terms, for instance, such things as bombing abortion clinics; and, in the main, do not support such actions as burning the Quran; though we support anyone's right to burn the Bible [or Quran] if they so desire, so long as the government does not do so.

Radical Islam, however, seems to be more like an enclosed capsule with a very hard, impermeable boundary guarded by men with drawn swords who are anxious to use them. It does not let “apostates” escape [it kills them, like the daughters who become too “westernized”.] And it does not let conflicting truth in, but rather forbids any proselytizing within its borders. It receives, and sometimes demands concessions, but does not make them. It tries to force righteousness upon its adherents through fear and intimidation. It stones adulterers to death. It hangs homosexuals. It imprisons women in their homes. It has a hairline trigger of sensitivity to anything spoken against it, even in harmless jest; but spews out hatred against what it perceives to be its enemies. It has the audacity to build a mosque [a shrine to itself] near the place where three thousand people were killed by what it spawned; while it will not allow a synagogue or church anywhere within its borders. It demands and requires from others what it does not allow for them. It teaches hatred of persons [not just hatred of evil] to its children. Mohammad killed people; and taught his followers to do likewise. Contrary to Christianity, it does not recognize any government other than Allah [Shariah law]. It is not merely a religion; it is a religious ideology that promotes and dutifully works toward a theocracy, structured by Shariah law. It tolerates that which is not under its dominion only to the point at which it gains the power to convert, subdue or destroy it. There are many verses in the Quran to support these tactics, which is why we see so much violence and hatred in the Muslim world. In other words, the violence and intolerance of the Muslim world is in accordance with its Quranic teachings. It might be argued that the radical Muslims are the ones who are living by the Quran; and the moderates are the half-hearted Muslims. It has not shown itself to be a religion of peace; it is a religion of “submission” [or domination.] There is only “peace” within this submission; and there is jihad against all else.

I submit that Islam cannot exist within a republican democracy in any way that enhances that form of government. It cannot enter into it as yeast into bread, enhancing it; it can only covertly or overtly condemn and dominate it, according to its own "divinely"-ordained principles. The evidence of this exists in the UK at this time. Islam’s goal is not to tolerate, but ultimately bring all under submission to Allah. If it stops short of this, it fails in its mission as set forth in its “holy” book, the Quran. And violence and deception are ordained means of achieving this goal. It is incredibly similar to Nazism in that it is willing to kill those humans that are not pure by its standards, and it is anti-Semitic. But it exceeds the danger of Nazism because it is guided by a book that purports to be the unalterable word of God [Allah]; and it is widespread throughout the world.

I submit that Islam is not a religion. It supersedes religion in that it is a political ideology that is contrary to democracy, and therefore not entitled to the rights of protection under our Constitution, based on the fact that it is not itself submitted to nor respecting of the Constitution except inasmuch as it can use it to propagate itself to the point of usurping it with Shariah law. Religious freedom does not extend to an ideology that does not respect or adhere to the Constitution that grants it. I submit that religion is the Trojan Horse that has carried a virulent, aggressive and destructive political ideology—a theocracy—into the American Nation.

Regarding “tolerance,” I suggest we be guided by the biological wisdom of our own physical bodies, which tolerate and allow any matter that is congruent with its healthy functioning and survival; but which, at the cellular level, attacks and tries to destroy or expel any substance/matter that is toxic to itself. In order to survive, it has an immune system that does not tolerate certain organisms.

I recommend that all freedom loving people unite against the spread of Islam, or else require and support only a version of it that is clearly defined and staunchly and overtly defended by its adherents as an ideology that supports human rights and freedom as defined by the Constitution of the United States. And even then caution is advised because of the historic and Quran-ordained use of taqiyya (pronounced tark-e-ya, and described variously as "precautionary dissimulation," "religiously-sanctioned deception," "lying" or "deception" and "keeping one's convictions secret" and "tactical dissimulation" or "holy deception").

I make this personal affirmation:

I am a Christian. I believe that Christ is the Messiah, the Son of the only true and Living God of this universe, Who raised Him from the dead to confirm His Truth to and for the human family. I will submit to Him alone as my Lord and as the true voice and manifestation of my Heavenly Father. I submit to the Ten Commandments and seek to live in the Holy Spirit of love for all humankind. Because Jesus taught it, I will submit also to the just laws of man. I will not hate any human, but I will never submit to Shariah law, and I do not believe that Mohammad supersedes Christ. I pledge my life to this affirmation.

Mark Graham

The Bible and the Quran can not both be holy books if we define holy as unalterable truth from God; because they contradict each other in doctrine--even regarding the truth of Jesus Christ. If one is to be a monotheist--a believer in one God of this universe--he cannot embrace both the Bible and the Quran. He must choose between the two, or some other manifestation of the the true God. The Quran seems to revere Jesus, but redefines His history and His role. One must choose what to believe about Jesus, that which was written in the Bible by a number of people who were His contemporaries, or that which was written by one man five hundred years after His death.
Also, in comparing Christianity to Islam, we are well advised to put them in the light of the fruits they have born for the human family. Jesus said "a tree is known by its fruits".  From a purely objective standpoint, what fruit has been brought into the world by Quranic Islam? And what fruit has been born into the world by faithfully lived out Christianity? Think in terms of violence, and of institutions of service and ministries. Democracy has been born out of Judea-Christianity. It clearly cannot exist within Quranic Islam.
The most important thing we can do to protect ourselves aginst the encroachment of Islam is to propagate the Christian faith. We should encourage all people, Muslim and non-Muslim, to read the New Testament with an open mind. In the New Testament we are encouraged to love our enemies, be kind and forgiving to those who are different and whom we believe to be in the wrong; to submit to the righteous laws of man; to bring light into the world compassionately [not hatefully]. We must combat the false belief that Christians are polytheists because of the Trinity. Christians believe in one God, according their own Scriptures.

Snowden Response

I watched Brian William's interview of Edward Snowden. My take: If he is a patriot, he should be treated as a patriot who made a mistake [perhaps]. If he's a spy, he should be treated as a spy. But if he is a patriot, he should not be treated as a spy. When I  hear him, I'm inclined to believe that he is a patriot who is concerned, as we all must be, with how government intelligence agencies gather and use information--and the secrecy necessary in that process in order to provide national security--and the accountability of those people who gather and use that information--and how that information is being and will be used.  These are legitimate concerns; and his expose' has brought them to our attention. Whatever we  do about Snowden--and I hope it will be just and compassionate--we should look deeply into those issues that he has brought to light. 
Here's a question for us to ponder, in light of the power wielded by intelligence-gatherers:  Are government intelligence agencies accountable ultimately to the American people? [Remember, this is a government "of, for, and by the people"]. If so, how is that accountability being fleshed out?  We started a war based on false intelligence. How should we process that fact?
Warfare has morphed into something that requires new and unprecedented strategies. It seems inevitable that we will confront these types of problems as we make the necessary responses to terrorism.  How can we give intelligence agencies secrecy without also handing over powers that threaten democracy. If these agencies are asking us to simply trust them, they are ignoring a fundamental principle of human government: power minus accountability equals tyranny and abuse.  Our Founding Fathers were well acquainted with this principle; that's why we have three branches of government, a free press, and a Constitution that emphasizes the limits as well as the proper exercising of power. Our Founding Fathers did not trust government that was not harnessed and accountable. Neither should we. [Nor, by the way, should we give in to paranoid fears of the government.]  My hope is that these important questions will addressed openly, and that we will find a balance that, on the one hand, preserves our security from forces who are willing to use subversion, deception and secrecy; and, on the other, preserves fundamental rights of freedom from unnecessary governmental intrusion, search, and invasion of privacy.
Since we are "one nation, under God", I trust that we will be able to do so, as we have overcome many threats throughout our history.

Marriage Harmony [James 4]

I have always thought that James, Chapter 4 has a powerful bearing on marital conflict. I have taken the liberty below to paraphrase some aspects of the passage for married couples. I hope it will be helpful in this time while we are cloistered and more exposed to each others' character defects. I'm sure these don't apply to you personally, but maybe a friend could use the info.

James 4

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you rage and criticize. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You blame your spouse for the difficulties of life, and feel deprived because of your spouse.
You do not have because you do not ask God, Who has promised to supply ALL your need [Phil. 4:19]. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with selfish motives. You are more inclined to ask for changes in your spouse than for growth for yourself. You want your mate to change so that your life will be easier or more comfortable.
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world [fighting for more pleasure and comfort] means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world, to war for fleshly comfort or pleasure, becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that He jealously longs for the spirit He has caused to dwell in us? God longs for you to bring your desires to Him, to seek for communion with Him, where you will find a resolution to the inner conflict that is the source of the conflict with your spouse. Otherwise, the conflict can never be resolved with your spouse.
6 But [thank God!] He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.”
When you have the humility to submit to God in this way, His grace will be poured out into you. Your heart and mind will receive clarity and power to love your spouse through whatever character defects you both have manifested. You will be able to see your own faults, confess them, and forgive your spouse for his/hers. If you let God help you remove the beam, you will see how to help your spouse with the speck [Mt.7:3-5].
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Experience holy contrition. Stop mocking and criticizing your mate, and gloating in his/her mistakes. Stop feeling self-righteous and victimized. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. He will show you how to respond honestly and compassionately to the faults of your mate.
11 Husbands and wives, do not speak ill of one another. Anyone who speaks against his mate or judges her speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your mate? Remember, no matter what mistakes your mate is making, God loves your mate! Christ died for him/her! And He has commanded you to love your mate also, even as He loves you, and forgives you, despite the sins you have committed.
Therefore, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you.[Eph.4:32]

Growth [Spiritual]

GROWTH

We start out not knowing what we are doing; and not knowing that we do not know. [Eden]

We begin to believe that we know what we are doing long before we actually do. [The Fall]

After many painful episodes of failure, we [hopefully] begin to realize that we don’t know what we’re doing, and begin to feel some anxiety. {“Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.”*}

This is the beginning of wisdom.

We begin to see that there are powers beyond us—far greater powers—that have largely determined the course of our lives. We begin to see that our will and the choices we have made exist in a vast ocean of currents and forces that have concurrently steered our lives.

Others have made better decisions, and fared worse than us; or worse decisions, and fared better. Outcome is not determined solely, perhaps even primarily, by our decisions.

[A king's heart is a water channel in the LORD's hand: He directs it wherever He chooses. Prov 21:1] [A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps. Prov. 16:9]

We thought that we were like dolphins in this ocean—that, by our will, we could power our way from one corner of it to the other, leap into the air, and find and capture all the food we needed. Now we begin to see that we are more like jellyfish, with a tiny bit of power to propel and steer in this vast ocean; but primarily moved by the powerful currents. We begin to see that, though we thought we were moving ahead at some times in our life, we were actually traveling forward at 2 knots into a 5-knot current. Those who seemed to be dolphins were actually jellyfish who, through no effort of their own, happened to be caught up in a powerful current flowing in the direction of their will. Many who seemed to be strong were dashed to death on the reefs, or ensnared by nets or hooks, or taken for food by something bigger and faster than they [and us.]

In our fear, we may try to harness or control these mighty forces and currents. We pray, or chant, or make sacrifices; we dance, have rituals, or séances. We prostrate, plead, and perform. We may seem to have a little success; but doubt nags. If we don’t have enough success, we may become bitter, hard, and hopeless. Much success may lead us to believe that we have made the mystical connection between our will and the forces beyond us. [This places us in jeopardy of the pride that precipitates a plunge.]
 In either case, death looms, with some important message that we fear, but need to hear.

If we contemplate this matter deeply enough, and with enough humility, and if we simply open our eyes to all that is around us and look deeply into it—if we open our heart—we may be blessed to begin to receive a great Gift: Faith in the One behind and within all these forces and currents in and beyond this great ocean of life. Faith that all is allowed and moved by Love. [And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.1Jn4:16] 
We then desire, and begin to allow, our own soul and personality—the core and essence of our being—to be permeated and saturated with this Love. Our little ego dies [thank God!] and we stop grasping for things, and leave off being braced up against things, and we at last relax into this incredibly beautiful ocean of life! [ ..and Grace my fears relieved.*]
Our only effort then becomes to keep the forces that are under our control [the will that steers the energy of our lives] aligned and at one with the great Love, Truth, and Goodness that steers these currents and forces.

We then evolve from jellyfish into those dolphins that can joyfully swim the course of this vast ocean; and then into great seabirds that transcend even this ocean, and fly farther, even beyond the bounds of earth itself. […they will soar on wings as eagles…Is 40:31]

In this great Love, we discover the Freedom and Joy for which we were born. ["I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.” Jesus. Jn15:11]

*From the hymn, Amazing Grace, by John Newton.

Addiction Recovery

                                                                   ADDICTION

Almost everyone has been impacted by addiction.
Here's my definition of it [and recovery].

Addiction is a downward spiraling syndrome gotten into through the pursuit of feelings,  alternate states of consciousness, or pain-avoidance, in which the primary or only substance/activity that causes one to feel good or OK is also progressively and increasingly diminishing the overall quality of his/her life and health.

Recovery is the usually slow or life-long process by which one suffers through the absence of the only substance/activity that makes him/her feel alive, replacing it with a regimen of spiritual growth, relationships, and healthy activities that slowly displace the need for the destructive substance/activities, and provide genuine life-fulfillment.

When we stay "high" all or almost all the time, "high" is no longer "high" but a new normal that is substance induced and substance dependent.

There are ways to feed the hungers of the heart which do not legitimately satisfy, but rather feed the hunger, so that, ultimately one is consumed and devoured by the hunger.  These are labeled "addictions".

There are ways to feed the hungers of the heart that satisfy evermore deeply, bring peace and joy, and become an over-flowing source of fulfillment for the soul-hunger of others.  This is labeled spiritual growth or the pursuit of God; or perhaps more concisely, discovering Divine Love.

A major component of successful recovery is honesty.  Deception feeds addiction.  A radical commitment to honesty with our recovery partners or counselors or family members is a necessary ingredient to success in recovery.  We must be very careful in the recovery process that we do not regress into adolescent "sneakiness'.  There is a certain rush of excitement associated with "sneaking around" and doing something against the "rules". This becomes one of the desirable effects of the addiction syndrome.  We feel very alive when we are 'sneaking around', seeking our drug.  Maybe we'll score; maybe not.  Maybe we'll get busted!  There's an adrenaline rush and the anticipation of the effects of the drug.  It's all very exciting - in an extremely neurotic way. There is frequently an aspect of rebellion in the addictive syndrome: "They [those people who want me to be clean and sober] cannot tell me how to live my life!"

We are all addicted - to various needs of the heart.  Psycho-spiritual growth [growth into Christ] is the only legitimate way to fulfill those needs.

People who love to drink alcohol and who are being drawn down into its dark vortex seek every opportunity to do so. If they are sad, they drink. If they are celebrating anything from a birthday [even a child's birthday] to a job promotion, they drink. They drink at sporting events--something that is promoted by the purveyors of alcohol. They ritually drink after work, especially rigorous work. They only feel comfortable in social settings that involve alcohol.  All activities that do not involve alcohol feel like marking time: bland and something to be endured until access to alcohol returns. They feel less and less alive sober, and progressively more reliant on drinking to feel ok.  They have a growing inner craving, even in their physical bodies, for alcohol.  They feel frustrated in any situation that keeps them away from alcohol. Because they are surrounding themselves with people who are also being enslaved, they manage to feel outwardly ok about the syndrome, even though any realistic evaluation of their lives would reveal many obvious symptoms of deterioration.  But they do not evaluate themselves objectively because it would threaten their deepest need: ingesting alcohol.  This avoidance of honest self-evaluation is called denial, and it becomes stronger and more militant when threatened by the truth. It is the frontline barrier against recovery and restoration. The disease involves the deterioration of body, mind and spirit. One becomes less and less functional in many, eventually all arenas of life. It is fueled by a growing inner sense of shame and feelings of personal failure.  These feelings are pushed down into the unconscious because they are too hard to bear in light of the ongoing need for alcohol. The alcohol obliges by making those feelings go away, giving a momentary relief; but they always return with a vengeance. The only way out of this syndrome, the only cure for the disease, is a radical shift in the sufferers' life--a major realignment of his life that affects every arena of his life. This is called recovery. It involves a strict adherence to truth, accountability to others who are also awakening from the nightmare, and spiritual growth, since the problem, perhaps like all problems, is spiritual at root. It is motivated by Love for ones self and for all who love him/her. It is a rigorous lifestyle that involves a different kind of suffering than the drinking/using lifestyle, to which the addict has now become accustomed. [It's difficult to exchange a new form of suffering for a familiar one.] But this new, recovery suffering leads to a beautiful restoration of a precious soul, capable of bringing much light into the world.
All of these facts are well known and irrefutable by any rational mind.

Thought those of you who are dealing with an addict in recovery, or are in recovery yourself, might be interested in this article.

Mark

Gaslighting: How Addicts Drive Loved Ones Over the Edge

By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where false information is presented to the victim by a spouse or another primary attachment figure, causing the victim to doubt his or her perceptions, judgments, memories, and even sanity. The term derives from the 1938 stage play, Gaslight, and a pair of film adaptions, one in 1940 and a more famous one in 1944 starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In the 1944 film, Boyer’s character convinces his wife (Bergman) that she’s imagining things, such as the occasional dimming of the house’s gas lights, as part of his ongoing effort to steal her deceased Aunt’s money and jewels. (The gas lights dim whenever he is in the attic, searching for the treasure.) Over time, his insistent and persistent lies cause her and others to question her sanity.

Despite the somewhat outlandish plot of Gaslight, denying someone’s intuitive sense of reality is in fact a relatively common form of abuse and manipulation. In my practice I see this sort of behavior related to marital infidelity quite often, especially when sexual addiction is involved. In these situations, the cheated-on spouses have typically had their intuition and reality denied for years by their unfaithful partner, who continually insists that he or she is not cheating, that he or she really did need to stay at work until midnight, that he or she is not being indifferent or distant, and that the worried partner is just being paranoid, mistrustful, and unfair. In this way betrayed spouses are made to feel as if they are the problem, as if their emotional instability is the issue. Over time, these individuals lose faith in their ability to perceive reality, and they start to blame themselves for what they are thinking and feeling.

Of course, it’s not just unfaithful spouses who engage in gaslighting. Alcoholics, drug addicts, and behavioral addicts of all types (gambling, video gaming, spending, and the like) employ the same exact manipulative actions, working hard to convince their spouses, families, friends, employers, and everyone else that they (the addict) are not doing anything wrong, and if it looks like they are, then it’s because the other person (the non-addict) is misperceiving the situation.

Tom and I met when I was in my late-twenties. He was divorced, but I’d never been married or even close to getting married. At the time I felt like I was finally ready for a serious relationship, and Tom seemed like the perfect guy to pursue that with. When we started dating, he was charming and sweet. I noticed that sometimes he drank a bit more than I would have liked, but we were young and I figured that hey, nobody’s perfect, right? The only thing that really stood out back then was that once in a while he would disappear for a couple of days, not returning my phone calls and not answering the door when I went to his house. I really felt abandoned when he did that, and I even thought about breaking up with him. But then he would come back and he was always so apologetic, saying he’d gotten caught up with a big project at work and needed to give that his total focus. Then he would say something like, “I’m only so serious about work because I want to make a better life for us. I’m doing this for us. I wish you could understand that and not be so sensitive.” Then I would feel guilty and think that I was a bad person for doing things like going to his house and trying to find him. Or sometimes he would show up for dates smelling of alcohol, and when I would ask if he’d been drinking he’d say I was imagining things or that I was smelling mouthwash. It made me feel crazy when he said things like that, like I really was being unfair to him to even mention these things.

After a year of dating, we got married. By then I was grateful that he was willing to put up with someone as crazy as me. And the whole time we were married he had me convinced that it was me who had the problem, that I was just emotional and unstable. Even when he came home stumbling and reeking of alcohol, which happened more and more often, he would either deny that he was drinking or say that it was a work function and he had to drink at it to fit in, or that he was entertaining a client who was a heavy drinker and needed to keep up as a way to close the deal. Plus, his disappearing act got worse as time went on. Still, he always had an excuse, and he always made me feel like I was just imagining things or being too sensitive and too untrusting if I questioned him. Sometimes he would just flat out lie and say he’d definitely told me he was going away to a convention for a few days. The worst was when he would accuse me of being just like his horrible ex-wife. And always, I found myself believing whatever it was that he told me. I only realized how much he was lying to me after his company fired him for being drunk on the job one too many times. I felt so stupid then, knowing I’d been right along but instead of trusting myself I’d chosen to believe his lies, thinking that I was being unfair and emotionally unstable. Now I’m afraid to start dating again because I don’t think I can trust anyone, especially not myself. I just feel damaged and crazy.

-  Maria, 35, recently divorced

In truth, the lies that addicts like Tom intentionally perpetrate upon their loved ones so they can continue their addictive activity without interference are absolutely relentless. And usually they are just plausible enough to possibly be true. And when these gaslighting behaviors continue over a long enough period of time, the victim may begin to doubt his or her feelings and intuition, as Maria did, eventually starting to believe the addict’s lies and manipulative defenses. When this occurs, the victim often takes on responsibility for the problems in the relationship, even though the addict is causing the vast majority of those problems. Do you remember Maria’s response when Tom asked her to marry him? “By then I was grateful that he was willing to put up with someone as crazy as me.” Already she had assumed blame for the feelings his behaviors were causing.

The truly unnerving part is that even emotionally healthy people are vulnerable to gaslighting, primarily because it occurs slowly and gradually over time. It’s a bit like placing a frog in a pot of warm water that it is then set to boil. Because the temperature rises so gradually, the frog never even realizes it’s being cooked. We see this exact scenario with Maria, a relatively healthy individual who was slowly drawn into Tom’s insanity as a way to keep her relationship intact.

Sometimes spouses and partners of addicts can become codependent with the addict, meaning they feel compelled to aid and abet the addict in his or her addiction, even when their “assistance” serves no positive purpose and in fact does damage. In essence, they become the addict’s de facto caretaker and enabler. When this sort of unhealthy codependency is coupled with gaslighting, the result may be a folie à deux – a delusion shared by two (or more) people with close emotional ties. A minor version of this would be Maria’s belief that the alcohol she sometimes smells on Tom’s breath is “all in her head,” though Tom would also need to truly believe that lie for this to qualify as a true folie à deux.

Sadly, gaslighting behaviors are often more distressing than whatever it is that the addict is attempting to cover up. With Maria, for instance, the most painful part of Tom’s behavior wasn’t that he drank too much on a regular basis and occasionally disappeared on drinking binges, it’s that he lied about it and made her feel crazy and mistaken for doubting his many semi-plausible excuses and even his outright fabrications.

Gaslighting is a Form of Betrayal Trauma*

There are many types of trauma, but usually the most painful and long-lasting is trauma that involves the betrayal of relationship trust. These traumas are intentional acts of mistreatment, neglect, abuse, and even violence perpetrated by individuals in close relationship to the victim. Making matters worse is the fact that betrayal traumas are often chronic, occurring repeatedly over a long period of time. Usually the difficulty for the victim is that mistreatment occurs in the context of a relationship that has other, more positive elements that can obscure or override the true meaning and power of the abuse. In Maria’s case, her relationship with and emotional dependency on Tom left her vulnerable to the trauma of gaslighting because, in her mind, she needed him more than she needed the truth.

Over time, chronic betrayal trauma (such as gaslighting) can create a stress pileup, leading to anxiety disorders, depression, low self-esteem, attachment deficits, and more. In one study that examined the effects of chronic sexual betrayal, a majority of the cheated-on spouses experienced acute stress symptoms characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder – a pretty serious diagnosis. After more than twenty years working with cheaters and their betrayed spouses, not to mention addicts of all types and their betrayed spouses, I can assure you that it isn’t any particular sexual act or addictive behavior that causes the most emotional pain. Instead, it’s the constant lying, deceit, and being made to feel judgmental, wrong, and just plain crazy. In other words, it’s not the cheating or the drinking/drugging that does the most damage, it’s the gaslighting – the denial of reality.

Is it any wonder that when an addict’s loved ones finally find out they’ve been right all along they sometimes respond is ways that make them look crazy? The simple truth is that, as survivors of chronic betrayal trauma, it is perfectly natural for these men and women to respond with rage, anger, fear, or any other emotion. Ingrid Bergman ably displayed all of these responses in her Oscar winning performance, just as Maria displayed them in her marriage. This is the psychological abuse that addicts intentionally inflict upon their spouses, families, and friends – all so they can continue their addiction unabated.

Unfortunately, the spouses and partners of addicts, despite the hurt, anger, confusion, and betrayal they experience, often resent the idea that they might need help to deal with their feelings. And this resistance is perfectly natural. For those who’ve experienced the betrayal of addiction (and the gaslighting that very often accompanies that betrayal), the obvious and overwhelming impulse is to assign blame to the addict. Nevertheless, many of these spouses and family members do need therapeutic assistance, especially to recognize and process the trauma of gaslighting. At the very least these individuals need validation for their feelings, education and support for moving forward, empathy for how their life has been disrupted by the addict’s repeated betrayals, and help in processing the shame they feel about falling for all of the addict’s now obvious lies and excuses.

When betrayed spouses and other loved ones choose to remain in their relationship with the addict, as they often do, it is usually quite some time before they are able to reestablish trust in anything the addict says or does. Rightfully so, too, after what they’ve been through. Happily, if the addict is committed to long-term behavioral change (sobriety), living honestly, and regaining his or her personal integrity, the redevelopment of relationship trust is indeed possible. And when they betrayed partner joins the addict is his or her efforts at growth by also engaging in a process of support, education, and self-examination, this renewal is even more likely.

Nevertheless, some loved ones do ultimately conclude that the violation they’ve experienced at the hands of an addict is greater than their desire to remain in the relationship. For these individuals, trust cannot be restored and ending the relationship may be the best they can do. Just as a betrayed loved one is not wrong to continue a relationship with an addict, he or she is also not wrong to end it. Ultimately, more important than whether a betrayed individual chooses to stay or go is how he or she goes about growing beyond the loss. This sort of recovery places a powerful emphasis on developing and trusting instincts, finding a greater willingness to express emotions, engaging in self-care and self-nurture, and developing an ongoing and trustworthy peer support network. Oftentimes this begins in therapy, including group therapy with other people who’ve experienced betrayal and gaslighting related to someone else’s addiction. It may also include 12-step support groups like Al-Anon and CODA.

* The concept of gaslighting as a part of betrayal trauma has evolved from the clinical work of Omar Minwalla, Jerry Goodman, and Sylvia Jackson MFT.



Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. He has developed clinical programs for The Ranch outside Nashville, Tennessee, Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu, and The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. A licensed UCLA MSW graduate and personal trainee of Dr. Patrick Carnes, Mr. Weiss is author of Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men and Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of both Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age and Closer Together, Further Apart: The Effect of Technology and the Internet on Parenting, Work, and Relationships, along with numerous peer-reviewed articles and chapters.

Mother's Day

Mother love is amazing. I read somewhere that when men are dying on the battlefield, they cry out for "God" or "Momma".  Mother love, like all love, originates in the heart of God. Jesus said that He desired to take His people under His wings, like a mother hen her baby chicks. [Lk. 13:34]. Proverbs 31 and 1Samuel 1 and 2 are frequently used to depict godly women, and are often cited on Mother's Day, as they were in my congregation today. Proverbs 31 depicts a godly woman as diligent in her work for her family, compassionate to those in need, devoted to the Lord, and wise and frugal in her use of resources. "Her children call her blessed and her husband praises her...Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Hannah, Samuel's mother, was a woman of enduring faith. She never lost hope that God would give her a child. She prayed for a child so fervently by the temple that Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk. When God gave her a child, she named him Samuel, which means heard of God, and she gave him to the Lord, as she had vowed in her prayer. Samuel served in the temple with Eli from a very young age. His tremendous ministry was during the reigns of Saul and David, both of whom he anointed, at God's behest, as kings of Israel.  "And Samuel grew, and the Lord was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground." [1Sam. 3:19].  Hannah's love and obedience were the fertile soil from which this ministry grew.
Paul cited the sincere faith of Timothy's grandmother, Lois, and mother Eunice; and expressed confidence that the same faith lived in Timothy. [2Tim. 1:5]. 
My mother passed from this earth about three weeks prior to this writing. She was deeply influenced by the faith and love of her mother-in-law, my dad's mom, with whom she lived for a time after marrying Dad at seventeen years of age. Her own mother had died when she was very young, and Mom had scant memories of her. I have in my possession the Bible that MawMaw Graham gave to Mom. It has notes written by MawMaw, Mom and Dad. I just made the entry of Mom's death on the page set aside for "Deaths".  I know, in a very personal way, the blessings of a godly mother and grandmother.
In 1983 Lynn, my wife, and I gave Mom a blank book to record her thoughts. She composed a number of beautiful poems, which I plan to record in this blog at a later date. On the last page of the journal is this prayer:


To all my darling children that God has given to me and whom I love very much:
If I should go on to meet the Lord before you, I'll be looking forward to seeing you again. I trust in
God that He will keep you and my generations to be. That you will all be saved is my prayer.
I praise You my Lord for salvation, for my Family and for my loving husband that you have given to me.
Love you all,
Mom


I received a sympathy card from a dear friend. In it she wrote:
"A Mother's Love is Love you never forget. It lives in your heart forever."
I know this to be true.
And I am eternally thankful to God for the amazing Love he placed in the hearts of His daughters.

I was thinking, after sending out the this message regarding mother's love, that, as a counselor, I have seen many clients who were not blessed with healthy mother's love. And my heart goes out to them.  Some have had mothers who suffered from mental illness: depression, bi-polar disorder, narcisissim, etc. These grew up feeling insecure and vulnerable.

I realize though that, as I stated in the message, mother's love, like all love, originates in the heart of the same God Who is available to us all. And He is fair. And He does not hold us accountable for the people to whom we were born; something over which we had no control.  I have seen that God can and does compensate for the absence of love early in life. He does this through His Church, the body of Christ, in which there are beautiful souls through whom His Love is being manifested in healing ways. And through His Word, where we can find stories and passages that heal our wounded hearts and enlighten us, ministering into our hearts truth and love that was not forthcoming in our families of origin. I have seen examples, as I'm sure you have also, of brave and courageous warriors in the Kingdom who came from broken or unloving homes. It seems that, if we have been bereft of His love in our families, we may have a greater capacity to appreciate it in the Family of God; and all the more determined to manifest it to our children, and to others who have been deprived also. In all this we see the wonderful grace of God, Who makes the first last, and the last first; and Whose Grace is manifested most powerfully to those who have the greatest need. There is no damage done in childhood that can not be healed in His Spirit. When He said, "I have overcome the world", He was speaking of any and everything that could have transpired in our families of origin. His Love conquers all!

Praise His Name forever!

We Are Christians

We are Christians.

That is an amazing and wonderful assertion of truth. It means that we have come to know that the man, Jesus of Nazareth, who lived over 2000 years ago in a remote village in the Middle East was God incarnate--that He spoke with the voice of the God Who created us, man and woman, and the entire universe. We have come to know, through the miracle of faith, that His amazing promises are true—that He is the way, truth and life. In Him we are delivered from darkness into light, from enslavement into freedom, from the worries and cares of this world into peace, from selfish and self-centered living into compassion, from meaninglessness into eternal significance, from death into eternal and abundant life, from despair into joy, from weakness and vulnerability to the dark prince of this world into a glorious victory over all life's tribulations and even death itself, which is our final victory. In Him we have been ushered into the Kingdom of God which exists on earth and in heaven. We celebrate that we are no longer of the world; only temporarily in it. As we have practiced being obedient to Him by loving all people with His Love, we have discovered on ever more deep and profound levels that He is who He claimed to be, and that His promises are being fulfilled in us—His promises of peace, joy and abundant life. Each week we gather together to celebrate this eternal Reality with our brothers and sisters in the Family of God. We receive His forgiveness and live in the Light of His Grace. We partake of His body and blood, receiving more and more of Him into us. We receive His Living Word, our life and vitality—the power to overcome the world, as He has overcome it. When we examine our lives we see that, because of our devotion to Him as Lord, we have become progressively more decent human beings, able to love more unselfishly; safer for our loved ones. And this causes us to rejoice and grow in our faith in Him. We try not to take all this wonderment for granted—to become dull of hearing. We try to stay awake and aware of how wonderful it is that we have been given eyes to see and ears to hear the Truth that perpetually sets us free. We see, with sadness, that many in our world have not received this wonderful gift; and how Satan continues to use them to wreak havoc in our world; to steal, kill and destroy that which is valued by God and vital for our happiness. This creates in us a holy desire to obey His great command to go into the world and teach His Way, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit; bringing them to Jesus Who alone can set them free and open their eyes. We love them in His Name. And this Love becomes, more and more, the meaning of our existence. All else fades away into the bleak abyss of meaninglessness, from which we are so thankful that we have been redeemed.

Christ is Lord!

His Lordship is all we have ever needed, and all we will ever need.

May His Name be praised forever and ever!