I have always thought that James,
Chapter 4 has a powerful bearing on marital conflict. I have taken
the liberty below to paraphrase some aspects of the passage for
married couples. I hope it will be helpful in this time while we are cloistered and more exposed to each others' character defects. I'm sure these don't apply to you personally, but maybe a friend could use the info.
James 4
1 What causes fights and quarrels
among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within
you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you rage and
criticize. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you
quarrel and fight. You blame your spouse for the difficulties of
life, and feel deprived because of your spouse.
You do not have because you do not ask God, Who has promised to supply ALL your need [Phil. 4:19]. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with selfish motives. You are more inclined to ask for changes in your spouse than for growth for yourself. You want your mate to change so that your life will be easier or more comfortable.
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world [fighting for more pleasure and comfort] means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world, to war for fleshly comfort or pleasure, becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that He jealously longs for the spirit He has caused to dwell in us? God longs for you to bring your desires to Him, to seek for communion with Him, where you will find a resolution to the inner conflict that is the source of the conflict with your spouse. Otherwise, the conflict can never be resolved with your spouse.
6 But [thank God!] He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
When you have the humility to submit to God in this way, His grace will be poured out into you. Your heart and mind will receive clarity and power to love your spouse through whatever character defects you both have manifested. You will be able to see your own faults, confess them, and forgive your spouse for his/hers. If you let God help you remove the beam, you will see how to help your spouse with the speck [Mt.7:3-5].
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Experience holy contrition. Stop mocking and criticizing your mate, and gloating in his/her mistakes. Stop feeling self-righteous and victimized. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. He will show you how to respond honestly and compassionately to the faults of your mate.
11 Husbands and wives, do not speak ill of one another. Anyone who speaks against his mate or judges her speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your mate? Remember, no matter what mistakes your mate is making, God loves your mate! Christ died for him/her! And He has commanded you to love your mate also, even as He loves you, and forgives you, despite the sins you have committed.
Therefore, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you.[Eph.4:32]
You do not have because you do not ask God, Who has promised to supply ALL your need [Phil. 4:19]. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with selfish motives. You are more inclined to ask for changes in your spouse than for growth for yourself. You want your mate to change so that your life will be easier or more comfortable.
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world [fighting for more pleasure and comfort] means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world, to war for fleshly comfort or pleasure, becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that He jealously longs for the spirit He has caused to dwell in us? God longs for you to bring your desires to Him, to seek for communion with Him, where you will find a resolution to the inner conflict that is the source of the conflict with your spouse. Otherwise, the conflict can never be resolved with your spouse.
6 But [thank God!] He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
When you have the humility to submit to God in this way, His grace will be poured out into you. Your heart and mind will receive clarity and power to love your spouse through whatever character defects you both have manifested. You will be able to see your own faults, confess them, and forgive your spouse for his/hers. If you let God help you remove the beam, you will see how to help your spouse with the speck [Mt.7:3-5].
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Experience holy contrition. Stop mocking and criticizing your mate, and gloating in his/her mistakes. Stop feeling self-righteous and victimized. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. He will show you how to respond honestly and compassionately to the faults of your mate.
11 Husbands and wives, do not speak ill of one another. Anyone who speaks against his mate or judges her speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your mate? Remember, no matter what mistakes your mate is making, God loves your mate! Christ died for him/her! And He has commanded you to love your mate also, even as He loves you, and forgives you, despite the sins you have committed.
Therefore, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you.[Eph.4:32]
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