FAMILY OF ORIGIN WOUNDEDNESS

 

 

 

As a therapist, I have seen the sometimes devastating effects of growing up with parents who are spiritually immature. Some of those parents are addicted to substances that destroy or severely impede their ability to properly love and nurture their children. Some of those parents are carrying a load of woundedness themselves, going back generations into the past.  Some of them are mentally unstable, narcissistic, unwilling or unable to become mature adults.  But no matter what psycho-spiritual condition our parents are in, we are vulnerable to them in the most formative and malleable stages of life.  God commanded us to “honor” them; and created us with a natural tendency to do so.  The word “honor” carries the meaning “to place heavy emphasis on the words of.”  Before we are even aware of God’s command to do so, we are born placing “heavy emphasis” on the words, actions, attitudes, etc. of our parents.  They have a deep impact on our lives—for good or evil.  I have met many people who wish that God had given them different parents, or who are angry at Him for allowing them to be born to their parents. Our innate vulnerability to our parents or caretakers has felt like a curse to some people. 

Here’s the good news:  The same God Who created us with an innate vulnerability to our parents has given us access through Jesus Christ to His Holy Spirit, and, in this Spirit, the power to overcome the full breadth, depth and height of the woundedness we suffered through them.  God is fair. He did not create us to be the victims of our parents’ failures.  [Read Ezekiel Chapter 18.] In Christ we find a healthy [not perfect] family that is able to be a manifestation of His love toward us. In Christ we discover “normal.”  Christ is the image we emulate now—not some dysfunctional human.  His Spirit is becoming the guiding power of our life, replacing the patterns and feelings we inherited from our earthly family.  Jesus said “If you continue in my word, you are my disciples indeed, and you will know the Truth, and the Truth will make you free.” [Jn8:32].  A key word in that phrase is “continue.”  Healing does not come easy for anyone, no matter what kind of family we grew up in. Even if we have very loving, mature, and stable parents, life in this world is difficult and fraught with tribulation.  If I am “born with a silver spoon in my mouth” and do not ultimately come to Christ, that silver will tarnish and turn to mud. We are not responsible in any way for what we inherited from our parents; but we are one-hundred per cent responsible for what we do with it. And whether we were given five talents or one, we will be recompensed by God for what we do with them. [Mt. 25:14-30]. “To whom much is given, much shall be required…” [Lk 12:48].

The danger that we face when we are born into extremely dysfunctional homes is that we continue to wallow in the mire of victimhood, rebellion, anger, or feelings of deprivation and inferiority. Jesus lovingly [at first] and then powerfully confronts this tendency in us. God forbid [He does forbid!] that we should live out our lives under the curse of a dysfunctional upbringing. If we do so, we will pass it down to the following generation, just as it was passed on to us.

The solution:  We must enter the crucible of radical trust in Christ, radical obedience to His love, forgiveness and grace; and remain in it until all the remnants of evil that were projected into us through the imperfections of our parents are burned away in the “consuming fire.” [Hebr. 12:29].  This is a life-long process for all of us. It is our sanctification.  There is no better way to live. Whatever difficulties this Way leads through, it leads ultimately to abundant life, peace, joy and eternal life—all promised by our Lord. The fulfillment of these promises has been attested to by people who have been exposed to the worst of the worst in terms of life circumstances.  But only for those who have “continued”.

 

Honor your father and your mother. [Ex.20:12]

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [Phl. 4:13]

That which is impossible with man is possible with God. [Jesus Lk 18:27]

And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. [Jesus Mat 24:12-13]