Power Controller

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn. If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway. If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy. If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful. If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over. If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you. If  you dress sexy, he says you're a slut. If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad. When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him. If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it. If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him, If you don't, he says you don't trust him. If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching. If he brings up a problem, he yells. If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted". If he breaks it, it's because "he had to". If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you. If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

COMMUNION MEDITATION

                                                    

If God gave us only one day of life, it would have been generous.

If god gave us only one springtime or one fall, one summer one winter, only one day of laughter, it would have been generous.

If God gave us only one beautiful meal, beautifully served in a secure home, it would have been generous.

If God gave us only one friend to share the journey of time, only one year of married life, only one child, sound in mind and body, it would have been generous.

If God gave us only one storm that left us unharmed, only one day for a good time with friends, only one talent for creating beauty, it would have been generous.

If God gave us the faith to laugh only one time in the face of calamity, it would have been generous.

If God gave us only one moment's pride in the success of those we love, it would have been generous.

But He has given us life and time, joy and sorrow, sunshine and storms, laughter and tears, gifts to share and days to remember.

He has given us friends and lovers, children and parents, you and me, and Himself as well.

It is God who gives us life; who tells us ever after to choose life,

God who is our resurrection and our hope, who dwells within our hearts as the Spirit of life, the vanquisher of death and our Beloved Comforter.

By DONNA GORDON

MARRIAGE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

• Conflict is normal.  It need not be “deadly.”  Keep a sense of compassion and humor in the midst of it.  Be frank, authentic, sincere, self-controlled, and compassionate.   Don’t let issues become life or death. Don’t “strain out a gnat and swallow a camel.”

• Avoid like the plaque the “Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse” {Gottman}:

Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.  [disdain, disrespect, hatred, condescension, scorn, derision]

• The goal is to use conflict to understand each other better, improve behavior, and get closer.  In other words, to enhance the overall quality of your life.

• Learn to relax into your conflict.  Put confidence in your ability to manage it.  Monitor your level of stress.  Breathe deep.  De-escalate.

• Keep soft eyes, and a soft heart.  Don’t become rigid or dogmatic.  Entertain your mate’s ideas that you initially reject.  Remember, this is someone you love and have a shared life with.

• Even the most happily married couples don’t resolve 69% of their conflicts. {Gottman}

• Don’t talk over each other.  Listen and respond.  Seek to understand your mate – not just to be understood.

• Allow yourself to be influenced – shaped – by your mate.  Honor your mate’s perspective.  Look for the kernel of truth in his/her perspective. Be malleable like clay, not hard like a billiard ball.

• Agree to disagree agreeably.

• “Shelve” an issue if either partner gets emotionally flooded or overwhelmed.  This is not the same as “sweeping it under the carpet.”  Your commitment is to pick up the issue later, when you are calmer.

• Never, ever resort to abusive language or acts.  It always makes things worse, never better.  Yelling does not make us more clearly heard and understood.

• Stretch yourself toward reconciliation if things go bad.  Break the ice with humor.  If all else fails, just be civil and polite – as you would to a visitor in your home.

• Choose to be friendly to your mate.  Learn [or re-learn] how to be friends.  Remember, this is someone who is trying to love you. 

Keeping Your Relationship Healthy And Happy

When we fall in love, we usually think that's all we'll need to be happy. However, when reality sets in and we have our first real argument, we get hit with the realization that our partner isn't perfect.

In the beginning of a relationship we do our best to give our partner the benefit of the doubt, expressing our love and goodwill, even when we're upset. However, as time goes on, it can get harder to resolve arguments and, therefore, harder to feel loving and forgiving towards our partner. It's at these times that we start to ask ourselves, is there a secret to making a relationship last? Is it really possible to live happily together?

The answer to these questions is, "Yes!" However, the hardest question to answer is: How do we do it? How do I have a lasting, happy relationship that doesn't end in a painful breakup?

The first thing to remember is that keeping a partnership healthy and happy requires work and that it will not happen on its own -- just like a flower won't grow if it isn't watered and fed. Relationships need nurturing, tending to, time, and energy! We often forget that a couple contains two human beings who both need to be appreciated, heard, valued, and respected.

With this in mind, here are seven ways to make your relationship last:

1. Keep the lines of communication open. If you don't know how to express your feelings and/or have poor listening skills, learn to get better at both. You can read a book, take a class, or get into counseling. Good communication requires both the ability to express and listen. 

2. Don't sweep your fights under the rug and think they'll magically resolve themselves. Do your best to resolve your first argument as soon as it arises so you won't have the same argument for the next 50 years, in different forms.

3. Remember that you love your partner; therefore, you want the best for her/him. Give her/him the benefit of the doubt when you feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. Talk to your partner; don't make assumptions.

4. Don't take your partner for granted. Tell your partner every day something you appreciate about her/him and how grateful you are to have them in your life.

5. Your partner should never feel like your enemy. If they do, something is wrong; remember that you fell in love with this person. If there's so much anger that you feel like you are enemies, get help somewhere as quickly as possible.

6. Gauge your relationship. Notice and don't ignore the warning signs if you're not talking, you're less affectionate, you're fighting all the time, and you're not happy. The sooner you acknowledge you're having problems, the sooner you can begin to solve them.

7. Always remember that you have the power to change behaviors in your relationship through different tools of self-discovery. You don't have to stay stuck in unhealthy ruts.

Good, lasting relationships are made up of two conscious individuals who have the desire to work on themselves with the determination to stay focused on the importance of their relationship. They do not take their partner for granted. They have their partner's best interest at heart and, therefore, build trust with their partner. When arguments come up, they don't ignore them. They address the issues and try to resolve them. When they see warning signs that their relationship could be in trouble, they act immediately and look for new ways to relate to each other.

This can be accomplished by anyone who is willing to take the time and energy to make their relationship a priority in their life. Nurture your partnership as it so richly deserves! You can live happily ever after, not with magic, but with work, awareness, and knowledge of yourself and your partner.

Elder and Young Disciple Story

Here is a story for you:

The elder and the young disciple were walking along together, in deep communion in the Spirit.

"Where is your joy?' the elder asked the young disciple.

"My joy is in heaven, sir, awaiting me at the end of my sufferings in this fallen world."

"Where is your life?" asked the elder.

"My life is in Christ, sir."

"Indeed.  And where is Christ?'

"He is in me, and I am in him."

"Well spoken.  And does he not also sit at the right hand of God in heaven?" the elder asked.

"Yes sir.  In the mysterious way that we are seeking to understand, and is beyond comprehension, and yet comprehensible, he does, indeed sit at the right hand of God in heaven."

"And His (and therefore also your) presence in heaven is a present reality, then, is it not?"

"In some manner, sir, it is indeed a present reality, according to God's holy word."

"Then is it possible that the fullness of joy might be a present, as well as future reality?'

(After a few moments of reflection:)

"Where sir, if I may ask, is your joy?" asked the disciple to the elder, as they continued to walk in communion.

"My joy is in communion with you in this moment; in learning and teaching.  And if you ask about my joy when I sit to eat, I will tell you that my joy is in the taste, smell, and nourishment of the food that God has caused to come forth from the earth - and in thankfulness for it.  Or if you ask when I am lying down to sleep at night, I will tell you that my joy is in sleep that rests and heals my body and mind from the daily occupations.  And if you ask in the morning, I will tell you that my joy is in the daily resurrection - in the wondrous gift of God's recreation of a brand new day of life!  And if you ask me while I am sick, in the hospital, I will tell you that my joy is in the hands of those who minister to me, those who care enough to pray for me, My joy is in the goodness of heart of those who visit, call or write; and in the wonder of my body as it does it's healing work.  And if you ask me while I am in pain, I will tell you that my joy is in the truth that crystallizes like a diamond in the crucible of pain - of the spiritual growth that comes when I offer my pain to God.  And if you ask me in my home, I will tell you that my joy is in the willingness of my wife to serve me and to make my life more joyful; and in the openness, vulnerability, and love-hunger of my children; and in satisfying that hunger.  And if you ask me while I work, I will tell you that my joy is in my vocation which provides a meaningful and practical channel for the outpourings of the energies of my life.  And if you ask me on my death bed, I will tell you that my joy is in the sure and steadfast hope of the greater joy and freedom that awaits me just beyond death's door."

"And where, sir, if I may ask further, is the joy of Christ in all these joys?"  (The elder was secretly very pleased with the disciple for asking this question.)

"The joy of Christ, my son, is the joy from which all these joys spring.  It is the well-spring that feeds the stream that waters the land from which all these joys (like flowers) bloom.  And the joys that spring forth along this stream are infinite, immeasurable, indescribable.  And the well-spring, and the stream, and the land and the flowers are all the joy of Christ."

A peaceful quiet settled over the young disciple and the elder.  There was no longer any need for words.  The sun shone through the trees, the birds were singing, and a butterfly flitted across their pathway. 

The young disciple was thinking that the world had never seemed more beautiful.

                                                                                       

                                                                                                             Mark Graham

Domestic Violence Safety Plan

Safety Plan

If you are still in the relationship:

• Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
• Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
• Keep change with you at all times.
• Memorize all important numbers.
• Establish a "code word" or "sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
• Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.

Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship:

• Change your phone number.
• Screen calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
• Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
• Avoid staying alone.
• Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
• If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
• Vary your routine.
• Notify school and work contacts.
• Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action.

Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2's), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)

My Personal Safety Plan

The following steps are my plan for increasing my safety and preparing to protect myself in case of further abuse.

Although I can't control my abuser's violence, I do have a choice about how I respond and how I get to safety. I will decide for myself if and when I will tell others that I have been abused, or that I am still at risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help protect me, if they know what is happening, and what they can do to help.

To increase my safety, I can do some or all of the following:

1. When I have to talk to my abuser in person, I can:


2. When I talk to my abuser on the phone, I can:


3. I will make up a "code word" for my family, co-workers, or friends, so they know when to call for help for me. My code word is:


4. When I feel a fight coming on, I will try to move to a place that is lowest risk for getting hurt such as:


or (at work):


or:


(at home) (in public)

5. I can tell my family, co-workers, boss, or a friend about my situation. I feel safe telling:


6. I can use an answering machine or ask my co-workers, friends or other family members to screen my calls and visitors. I have the right to not receive harassing phone calls. I can ask:


to help screen (home) (work) my phone calls.

7. I can keep a cell phone with me at all times. I can call any of the following people for assistance or support if necessary and can ask them to call the police if they see my abuser bothering me.

friend:

relative:

co-worker:

counselor:

shelter:

other:


8. When leaving work I can:


9. When walking, riding or driving home, if problems occur, I can:


10. I can attend a support group for women who have been abused. Support groups are held:


at:


11. Telephone Numbers I Need to Know:

Police/Sheriffs Department:

Probation Officer:

Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Program:

Counselor:

Clergy Person:

Attorney:

Other:

Domestic Violence Dynamics

Domestic Violence Dynamics:  A Therapist’s Perspective.  Mark F. Graham, Ed.D. LPC, LMFT.

Let’s begin with an episode:

A husband and wife are separated because of potential violence and hateful feelings.  Daughter, who is with Mom and Brother, calls Dad, who is in an apartment, and tells him that Brother has left a tool out in the yard.  Dad rages and, against Mom’s advice, charges over to the house and, in his own words [later] “acts like an idiot” – in other words, he rages out of control and terrifies the whole family.

Later, in therapy, Husband complains accusingly:  “She’s keeping the kids from me.  She won’t let my daughter call me anytime she wants to.”  His overall attitude in this communication is: “You see what a bitch she is?  You see what I have to put up with?  You see why I am justified in my anger?”

It is very difficult to get him to see that his wife’s reluctance to let their daughter call him is a direct result of his major mishandling of the information that the daughter shared with him on the previous occasion.  He does not see his wife’s fear – he sees only maliciousness on her part.  [“She’s keeping the kids from me.”]  She is simply acting in response to his out-of-control behavior.  He chalks it up to another one of her many irrational and unfair or punitive actions against him; feeding future episodes of rage.

There is a particularly powerful tendency for the abuser to see himself as a victim.  There is frequently [maybe always] a deep and profound hurt that is usually denied and avoided, but opens and pours forth especially after abusive episodes in the “makeup” phase.  The spouse feels a need to nurture when the abuser is in this phase, and there are usually good feelings for both of them at this time.  There is a sense of hope for the victim since the abuser seems [and indeed may be] truly remorseful.  These feelings rarely lead to genuine growth or behavior change, however.  They are feelings of contrition, but they do not necessarily lead to repentance [behavior change].  Getting out of this cycle requires relatively long-term therapy work, moving toward the deep and consistent acceptance of responsibility, and an even deeper healing of the root of the hurt that is feeding the bitterness, transference and projection – [the blindness to self and blame of the victim.] 

Another characteristic of the abusive personality is an unwillingness to accept boundaries set by the spouse.  Any “no” on her part – any refusal to go along with the way he sees things about virtually anything – is a threat to his security that derives from his ability to have complete access to her will.  There may be a connection between this security-need and the deep hurt that comes up in him when she is out of his control.  There also are manipulative aspects of this hurt, since she tends to move back toward him when he is feeling it – and that is precisely what he desperately needs.  If he can control with his anger, he avoids the profoundly toxic feelings of fear and hurt.

But there is more to this rage than protection from hurt.  It has a vengeful, punitive quality.  One suspects that he is punishing her for his past hurts.  He feels like a victim [and maybe in his family of origin, he has been victimized] and is transferring these dynamics into his marriage.  He may be punishing her for the sins of his parents.  This is “transference.”

His victim-mindedness is deeply rooted and tenacious.  He rather adamantly refuses to see himself as a perpetrator, and he tends to dismiss the best-rendered confrontations to that end.  A possibility is, as already implied, that he has been victimized  [abused] in his family of origin.  One pattern is an abusive father and an over-protective “bleeding heart’ mother who feels that her son is a victim, and who, unwittingly inculcates that perception of him into him.  He introjects {a psychological term describing our tendency to take into ourselves personality traits or perceptions of others] an abusive father image, and from his mother he introjects a self-perception of victim.  He lives out both of these roles in his marriage.

There is a seething hatred [frequently murderous] that is alternately denied and sorrowfully confessed.  But, as already stated, these confessions don’t seem to lead to behavior changes.  There is a tremendous spiritual battle here, between taking responsibility, on the one hand, or reverting back to blaming her and justifying the hatred, on the other.

Anyone who listens to the abuser may indeed feel that he has been abused and misunderstood, and he may be a master at evoking sympathy and justification for offenses, which he almost always minimizes.  He deeply needs to see her as evil, cunning, manipulative and controlling.  And he can go for hours with stories that validate this perception; even to the point that she begins to believe them herself.  If she tries to correct him on any point – to demonstrate that her motives were not “evil” [as he contends]  – he will likely accuse her of “lying’ or twisting the truth or minimizing.  I have seen one man threaten to walk out of the counseling session because his wife was trying to simply clarify one of his accusations.  This type of powerful reaction to even the slightest disagreements with his way of seeing things tends to shut her down.  She suppresses her perception of the truth to avoid conflict, which enables him to carry forth his distorted perceptions of her unencumbered by her corrective input.  Her failure to disagree with him is then frequently understood by him to mean that she agrees with his very distorted and negative perceptions of her.  Many of these dynamics, as this one, result in a self-generating downward spiral for the couple – one that is extremely difficult to reverse.  The core or center of the pathology is in the abuser – a truth that is sensed by almost everyone except him, his immediate family, and his misogynist [woman-hating] friends; all of whom have a tendency to retard the needed therapy by enabling his distorted view.  This makes healing very difficult since she is frequently the only one who seeks help outside the system.  Even if she gets out of the marriage, he still has access to the children, and will frequently continue to abuse through them and through the legal system, which is rightly compelled to honor his fatherhood.

The legal system walks a very thin line here between protecting the children and honoring the family – specifically the father’s rights to the children.  I have all-to-often seen these fathers using their children as pawns in a very sinister game of capturing the “queen” – to punish her.  The legal system bears a major responsibility to educate itself in the dark and murky dynamics of misogyny and abuse and control; because it takes a certain exposure of time and depth to see what is really happening.  I had the very unfortunate experience of walking one abused client through the court system, only to witness the extremely disappointing outcome of a judge who basically said: “You two stop this nonsense and get along for the children’s sake.”  The judge’s perception was that the woman was taking advantage of her pro bono legal services [she could not afford legal services since she was paying him child support while also bearing most of the expenses of parenting that he was relegating to her.]  She was fulfilling all her court-mandated responsibilities while he was sliding by on most of his – totally overlooked by the judge.  Everyone who was associated with this case – many of whom had walked through the ordeal with the victim for two years – was sickened and disappointed by the shallow and ineffective response of the court.  And I am sure this is not an isolated case.

What is needed is court-mandated exposure of the entire family to one therapist [trained or experienced in the area of domestic violence] over a long enough period of time for the true dynamics to emerge.  This therapist would have access to the children, husband and wife – though not at the same time.  Care would be taken to provide safety for the children to express themselves honestly – some abusers have been known to threaten or punish children for revealing damaging information.  The judge would lean heavily on the therapist’s information.  In fairness to the judge, he does not have the time or venue [other than the therapist] to gain this information.

Recent laws requiring anger-management for every D.V. 911 call are a great breakthrough.  Most abusers will never submit themselves to the scrutiny of therapy unless required to.  Even then there are a certain percentage who will not reform, and they must eventually be sent to jail.  But to pull the woman out of the relationship only saves her and her children [a very important accomplishment]; not the next woman that the abuser hooks up with.  The core of the problem is to either reform or jail the abuser.  Otherwise he starts the cycle over again with the next victim.  Probating perpetrators into therapy is a great light in this darkness.  But we must continue to work to make the system work well.  The therapy must be long enough and deep enough to be effective.  It must create “second-order” growth – not just superficial and temporary compliance until the pressure is off.  There must be on-going accountability and on-going contact with the spouse to insure against relapse.  Both partners need therapy, but not conjointly.  The therapy is different for the victim and perpetrator – and it is not marital therapy. 

For him it focuses on issues of responsibility, denial, self-control, self-awareness, ability to be introspective, acknowledging and expressing feelings appropriately, discernment of love vs. need/control/desire, healing of inner family of origin wounds.  This is most effectively done in group therapy characterized by compassionate confrontation.

 For her it involves boundary-setting, rebuilding of self-esteem, responsibility-training [i.e., what she is and is not responsible for], security and safety, vocational training [toward independence], help with her children and community support.

For the children this therapy involves clarifying their distorted views of marriage, manhood and womanhood.  For boys – teaching them to respect their mothers and women in general.  For girls – teaching them to be re-sensitized to disrespect and abuse so that they can recognize and disallow it in future relations.

There are many gaps in our ministry to the people caught up in this destructive and pathological system.  Children are coming out of these systems with gaping wounds in their souls, and with distorted ideas of family roles.  It will be very difficult for them to overcome and become good citizens and happy people.  We have important work to do.

Domestic violence / Gender hatred

Men who hate women hate them for the same reason that Cain hated [and killed] Abel:  because Abel’s righteousness exceeded his own [1 Jn 3:12].  On a deep level, men sense that woman is a nobler, more evolved creature.  She is human, and not without faults of course; but think of all the evil done in the world by men vs. that done by women.  And much of the evil done by women is in response to or in alliance with a man.  Her desire to be loved by a man makes her vulnerable to his spiritual immaturity; perhaps the primary “weakness” referred to in 1Pet. 3:7, which man is admonished to protect her from by “honoring” her. To the degree of man’s immaturity, he hates woman’s excessive beauty and goodness, and tries to make her believe that she is an inferior creature; exaggerates her faults and blames her for his own.  At the root of this hatred is a sense of inferiority, envy, and insecurity [because he does not want to lose her—a phenomenon that profoundly confuses her: “Why does he want me if he hates me so much?”].  If and when a man matures, he begins to see the magnificent gift of womanhood; how God has created her uniquely [even with her faults] to help him become what he was created to become—more responsible, compassionate, wise and good.  He is able to learn much from her about himself, and about the softer, nurturing aspects of love, and to appreciate the wonderful gifts of femininity.  He is able to grow in humility because of his faults that inevitably are exposed in the intimacy of his life with her.  His love for her sets her free to become more of what God created her to become; and though the man may never surpass her in spiritual maturity [ability to love unselfishly, practice non-competitive kindness and compassion from the unspotlighted sidelines] because of her maturity and the efforts she sees man making, she overlooks his faults—she extends grace to him, and is even able to [miracle of miracles] love him.  Without realizing or making anything of it, she becomes a manifestation of God’s love to him—one that he can only realize as and to the degree that he allows the Holy Spirit to transform and mature him.