- Conflict is normal. It need not be “deadly.” Keep a sense of compassion and humor in the midst of it. Be frank, authentic, sincere, self-controlled, and compassionate. Don’t let issues become life or death. Don’t “strain out a gnat and swallow a camel.”
- Avoid like the plaque the “Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse” {Gottman}:
Criticism, defensiveness,
stonewalling and contempt.
[disdain, disrespect, hatred, condescension, scorn, derision]
- The goal is to use conflict to understand each other better, improve behavior, and get closer. In other words, to enhance the overall quality of your life.
- Learn to relax into your conflict. Put confidence in your ability to manage it. Monitor your level of stress. Breathe deep. De-escalate.
- Keep soft eyes, and a soft heart. Don’t become rigid or dogmatic. Entertain your mate’s ideas that you initially reject. Remember, this is someone you love and have a shared life with.
- Even the most happily married couples don’t resolve 69% of their conflicts. {Gottman}
- Don’t talk over each other. Listen and respond. Seek to understand your mate – not just to be understood.
- Allow yourself to be influenced – shaped – by your mate. Honor your mate’s perspective. Look for the kernel of truth in his/her perspective. Be malleable like clay, not hard like a billiard ball.
- Agree to disagree agreeably.
- “Shelve” an issue if either partner gets emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. This is not the same as “sweeping it under the carpet.” Your commitment is to pick up the issue later, when you are calmer.
- Never, ever resort to abusive language or acts. It always makes things worse, never better. Yelling does not make us more clearly heard and understood.
- Stretch yourself toward reconciliation if things go bad. Break the ice with humor. If all else fails, just be civil and polite – as you would to a visitor in your home.
- Choose to be friendly to your mate. Learn [or re-learn] how to be friends. Remember, this is someone who is trying to love you.
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