Anger Management

Because we love our people, we temper our anger--like steel, we temper it. We maintain a stern control of how we express our anger. We do not "lose it"; and we make no excuses for our inappropriately expressed anger. If we are unable to bridal our tongue and practice self-control in anger, we will be unsafe in any relationship, because all relationships have frustration, and frustration evolves into anger, and abusive anger will wear down and eventually destroy the love of those who are trying to love us. Mark Graham

Know this, my beloved brethren: Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger...
James 1:19

"But I say to you that hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 
bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."  Jesus, Luke 6:27-28 

...Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ  forgives you. Eph 4:32

Principles of Anger Management
Raymond Novaco, Ph.D.
Anger is a feeling and aggression is a behavior. They are not the
same, and feeling angry does not necessarily translate into aggressive behavior.
Maintaining a task oriented posture towards a potential provocation assists in increased self control and control of the situation. It also results in behavior and attitudes that may deescalate the potential conflict.
Awareness of our own unique arousal pattern will increase the probability of anger moderation and regulation and in avoiding the effects of unmodulated anger.
Learn to use your own arousal cues as a signal to talk to yourself through a difficult situation. Know when you are becoming aroused, and start deescalating self-talk. Develop a feeling of confidence that you can  control your anger, even if you cannot control the situation..Be aware of your tension and agitation in order to manage your anger.
Prepare for potential difficulties by breaking the conflict into steps. Use positive self- talk to remain in a task oriented position and to avoid impulsive and antagonistic behaviors.
As you practice and use these behaviors to manage and cope with anger, self esteem increases and the likelihood of using these techniques increases. They start becoming normal over time.

ANGER AND CONFLICT:  wisdom from proverbs

10: ¹² Hatred stirs up conflicts,
    but love covers all offenses.

     ¹⁹ When there are many words, sin is unavoidable,
    but the one who controls his lips is wise.

11: ¹⁷ A kind man benefits himself,
    but a cruel man brings disaster on himself.

12: ¹⁶ A fool's displeasure is known at once,
    but whoever ignores an insult is sensible.

     ¹⁸ There is one who speaks rashly,
    like a piercing sword;
    but the tongue of the wise [brings] healing.

    ²⁰ Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil,
    but those who promote peace have joy.

13: ² From the words of his mouth,
    a man will enjoy good things,
    but treacherous people have an appetite for violence.

    ¹⁰ Arrogance leads to nothing but strife,
    but wisdom is gained by those who take advice.

14: ¹⁶ A wise man is cautious and turns from evil,
    but a fool is easily angered and is careless.

    ¹⁷ A quick-tempered man acts foolishly,
    and a man who schemes is hated.

15: ¹ A gentle answer turns away anger,
    but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

    ¹⁶ Better a little with the fear of the LORD
    than great treasure with turmoil.
    ¹⁷ Better a meal of vegetables where there is love
    than a fattened calf  with hatred.
    ¹⁸ A hot-tempered man stirs up conflict,
    but a man slow to anger  calms strife.
    ³¹ An ear that listens to life-giving rebukes ^(AI)
    will be at home among the wise.
16: ¹⁸ Pride comes before destruction,
    and an arrogant spirit before a fall.
    ²⁷ A worthless man digs up evil,
    and his speech is like a scorching fire.
    ²⁸ A contrary man spreads conflict,
    and a gossip separates friends.
    ³² Patience is better than power,
    and controlling one's temper, [exemplifies greater strength] than capturing a city.
17: ¹ Better a dry crust with peace
    than a house full of feasting with strife.
    ¹⁴ To start a conflict is to release a flood;
    stop the dispute before it breaks out.
    ¹⁹ One who loves to offend loves strife;
    one who builds a high threshold invites injury.
    ²⁷ The intelligent person restrains his words,
    and one who keeps a cool head
    is a man of understanding.
18: ⁶ A fool's lips lead to strife,
    and his mouth provokes a beating.
    ⁷ A fool's mouth is his devastation,
    and his lips are a trap for his life.
    ⁸ A gossip's words are like choice food
    that goes down to one's innermost being.
    ¹³ The one who gives an answer before he listens—
    this is foolishness and disgrace for him.
    ¹⁷ The first to state his case seems right
    until another comes and cross-examines him.
    ¹⁹ An offended brother is [harder to reach]
    than a fortified city,
    and quarrels are like the bars of a fortress.
    ²¹ Life and death are in the power of the tongue,
    and those who love it will eat its fruit.
19: ³ A man's own foolishness leads him astray,
    yet his heart rages against the LORD.
    ¹⁹ A person with great anger bears the penalty;
    if you rescue him, you'll have to do it again.
20: ³ It is honorable for a man to resolve a dispute,
    but any fool can get himself into a quarrel.
    ²⁰ Whoever curses his father or mother —
    his lamp will go out in deep darkness.
    ²² Don't say, "I will avenge this evil!"
    Wait on the LORD,  and He will rescue you.
21: ⁷ The violence of the wicked sweeps them away
    because they refuse to act justly.
    ⁸ A guilty man's conduct is crooked,
    but the behavior of the innocent is upright.
    ¹⁹ Better to live in a wilderness
    than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.
    ²³ The one who guards his mouth and tongue
    keeps himself out of trouble.
22: ²⁴ Don't make friends with an angry man,
    and don't be a companion of a hot-tempered man,
    ²⁵ or you will learn his ways
    and entangle yourself in a snare.
24: ²⁹ Don't say, "I'll do to him what he did to me;
    I'll repay the man for what he has done."
25: ²⁸ A man who does not control his temper
    is like a city whose wall is broken down.
26:¹⁸ Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows,
    ¹⁹ so is the man who provokes his neighbor
    and says, "I was only joking!"
    ²¹ As charcoal for embers and wood for fire,
    so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.
    ²⁴ A hateful person disguises himself with his speech
    and harbors deceit within.
    ²⁵ When he speaks graciously, don't believe him,
    for there are seven abominations in his heart.
    ²⁶ Though his hatred is concealed by deception,
    his evil will be revealed in the assembly.
27: ⁴ Fury is cruel, and anger is a flood,
    but who can withstand jealousy?
28: ¹⁴ Happy is the one who is always reverent,
    but one who hardens his heart falls into trouble.
29: ¹ One who becomes stiff-necked,
    after many reprimands
    will be broken suddenly—
    and without a remedy.
    ⁸ Mockers inflame a city,
    but the wise turn away anger.
    ⁹ If a wise man goes to court with a fool,
    there will be ranting and raving but no resolution.
    ¹¹ A fool gives full vent to his anger,
    but a wise man holds it in check
    ²⁰ Do you see a man who speaks too soon?
    There is more hope for a fool than for him.
    ²² An angry man stirs up conflict,
    and a hot-tempered man  increases rebellion.
30: ³³ For the churning of milk produces butter,
    and twisting a nose draws blood,
    and stirring up anger produces strife
Eccl. 7:10:  Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
 for anger resides in the lap of fools.

• The problem is not that you are wrong
• The problem is not that you were angry
• The problem is that you were out of control

Civility: The Bottom Floor

Jesus teaches us to love our enemies, bless those who curse us, do good to those who hate us, and pray for those who despitefully use and persecute us. [Mt. 5:44]  God, through Paul, commands us not to return evil for evil, but to overcome evil with good. [Rm. 12:21] In Ephesians we are commanded to be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving each other as God, because of Christ, has forgiven us [Eph. 4:32].  Self-control is cited as one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit [Gal. 5:23].  The Bible is full of warnings about uncontrolled anger [Prov 15:1, 18; 16:32; 19:11; Ecc. 7:9; Amo 1:11; Eph 4:31; Col 3:8].

Despite all this, in the counseling room, I have repeatedly seen the disheartening results of anger run amuck.  Anger is one of the most difficult and potentially destructive emotions experienced by humans.  We speak of “losing it”, “going off on someone”, “exploding”, “going ballistic”, etc.  We see physical and verbal abuse; and the equally devastating effects of “stonewalling” or withholding love to passive-aggressively punish a loved one. Whenever we express anger in these ways, we set ourselves back in the forward movement of our growth and in the growth of our relationships. I have never, in 30 years of counseling and 43 years of marriage, seen inappropriately expressed anger have a net good effect. It always, without fail, has a negative effect.  If you think of building a good life [good relationships, security, peace, trust, harmony, contentment, joy, etc.] as a process like building a beautiful house in which to live; blowing off anger in abusive ways is like tearing down a wall or a staircase of the house. We have to rebuild it! If we “lose it” again, we tear down more of what we have been working to build. If we repeat this cycle enough times, we can destroy the hope of ever building the house. Our loved ones will know that, no matter how sorry we are for the damage done in our anger, no matter how apologetic we are, it’s going to happen again. And even if they forgive us, they do not trust us. We have not given them a reason to. There is no substitute for self-control. There will never be enough apologies to make up for it. We cannot be good enough in other areas of our life to make up for the lack of self-control in anger. There will never be a justification for “losing it.” Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 5:44, makes it very clear that He does not want our behaviors to be determined by the bad behaviors of others. He does not want us to react emotionally; He wants us to respond spiritually. Until we master our anger, we are not safe for our loved ones; and we should not expose them to the danger of our lack of control. It is not fair to pressure a loved one to stay with us in a relationship if we are not practicing self-control. It is like pressuring them to stay on a battlefield with land mines. They never know when they will step on one. This is incredibly stressful for them!  Love constrains us to master our anger so that nothing—absolutely nothing—can trigger an out-of-control episode. A famous statement in the world of therapy is, “If someone pushes your buttons, get rid of the buttons.” 

A wonderful and powerful commitment to make is: No matter how angry I get, I will never go below civility. Whatever needs to be accomplished in any situation can be accomplished within the boundaries of civility. If something cannot be accomplished within the bounds of civility, it cannot be healthily accomplished, and my efforts to make something happen using abusive anger will be counter-productive.  The good that comes will be off-set by the negative effects of my abusive anger.

Civility and self-control are manifestations of strength. Abusive anger is a weakness.

Civility and self-control manifest as the ability to maintain a sense of fairness and good will toward someone who is behaving badly and perhaps not currently demonstrating those traits. It is a commitment to respond vs. react. It involves integrity matched with humility. It is not fawning or servile. It is willing to listen for and respond to truth even when the speaker is uncivil.  It encourages a civil response from others.  It speaks the truth in love, even if that truth is not well received. It does not back down from conflict, but it does not seek to incite conflict; contrarily, it seeks civil discourse regarding opposing viewpoints. It is willing to disagree agreeably, and part as friends with anyone who is also practicing these principles; and maintain a compassionate stance toward one who is not yet mature enough to practice these principles. It does not abuse, and it does not tolerate abuse.

 

Here are some definitions of civility to meditate on:

Civility is described in the following way by the National Civility Center:

 "Civility is a variation of the ‘Golden Rule’. It is being kind, courteous, polite, and avoiding overt rudeness. In community improvement it relates to higher-minded and self-sacrificing behavior. Civility is the "how" when it comes to building relationships."

 -Jay Newman & Kent Roberts

 National Civility Center

“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process. Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements” – Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, Founders of the Institute for Civility in Government

"Civility means a great deal more than just being nice to one another. It is complex and encompasses learning how to connect successfully and live well with others, developing thoughtfulness, and fostering effective self-expression and communication. Civility includes courtesy, politeness, mutual respect, fairness, good manners, as well as a matter of good health. Taking an active interest in the well-being of our community and concern for the health of our society is also involved in civility." --P. M. Forni,

Lord, please empower us to be self-controlled and civil no matter how angry. May You Spirit be the controlling factor of our behaviors especially when we are enraged.

Feeling Safe

People feel safe around those they respect and trust. It is not safe to be around somebody who breaks the rules of respect and takes his or her emotions out on others.

• Anger that is aggressive, passive, depressive, or manipulative is likely to be destructive and hurtful
• Anger problems usually keep getting worse until they are addressed, responsibility is taken, and the behavior is changed

ANGER

And he said to them, "Is it lawful on the sabbath to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill?" But they were silent. And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was restored. Mar 3:4-5  

In the temple he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers at their business.  And making a whip of cords, he drove them all, with the sheep and oxen, out of the temple; and he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables.  And he told those who sold the pigeons, "Take these things away; you shall not make my Father's house a house of trade." Jhn 2:14-16  

Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… Eph 4:26  

There is a tremendous amount of unnecessary human suffering because of undisciplined anger. One of the highest marks of Christian maturity is the ability to exercise self-control when angry. We must be very careful to understand what God is saying to us about anger. He says that anger, per se, is not sinful. Jesus was angry at times in His earthly ministry. He was angry because of the hypocrisy of the Pharisees, who refused to come out into the light of truth about their hidden agendas. He was angry because of the hardness of their hearts. He was angry because they had allowed religious rules to take precedence over compassion for human suffering; and moreover, they refused to acknowledge it. They refused to look honestly at themselves. Denial angers Jesus.

  Jesus was also very angry because of greed in the religious context. The “money-changers” were profiting from worshipers coming into the temple to make their sacrifices. Any time people in religious roles or functions allow greed to take precedence over the God-human connection, Jesus is angry; and those who practice in this way place themselves in jeopardy. Greed in the religious context turns many people away from the Faith—people who might otherwise find freedom, peace and joy in Christ. This is a very serious offense that engenders the righteous wrath of God and all His people.
  Jesus’ anger in both these instances was focused on dynamics that prevented people from discovering the Truth of the Kingdom. Jesus was not angry because of something someone had done to hurt Him. His anger was due to hypocrisy, denial, and the fact that the people that God loved were being blocked or misled regarding their spiritual growth. Most human anger, by contrast, has to do with a reaction to ego-injury. Like two-year-olds, we tend to strike back in anger at any one who keeps us from getting what we want, or who mistreats us in any way. We tend to take offenses personally; something Jesus did not do.

God allows us to be angry. There are times when it is the most appropriate emotion. But He does not allow us to sin in our anger, as we are sorely tempted to do. And He requires us to get through or beyond it quickly [over night]. He does not want us to nurse it or ruminate on it, which will cause us to languish in it. He does not allow us to abuse anyone in any way. He does not allow us to be critical or hard-hearted. He wants us to speak the truth in love, get it out of our craw, forgive, and get on with the abundant, joyful, peaceful life that Christ died for us to have. He expects us to follow Christ’s example by not taking offences personally; by loving our enemies; and by channeling our anger into behaviors that benefit the human family. This is a high calling; but we have His Spirit in us to make it possible.

Lord, thank you for teaching us about the difficult emotion of anger. Please help us to be angry without sinning, and to not let it smolder within us. Give us the gift of self-control, especially in our anger.

I've learned it is entirely possible to be offended and not to take offense, to love in places and times where there is no other human love visible.

I've learned that our individual responsibility in Christ with anger is not to be a host, not to pass it on.
Consider in a forest fire that the heat from the fire first gets communicated to the unburned trees and then the flames jump to join that heat as the fire spreads. [My friend, Jim]

Angry Words

Angry words! O let them never,
From the tongue unbridled slip,
May the heart's best impulse ever,
Check them ere they soil the lip.

Love one another thus saith the Savior,
Children hear this blest command,
Love each other, love each other,
'Tis the Father's blest command.

Love is much too pure and holy,
Friendship is too sacred far,
For a moment's reckless folly,
Thus to desolate and mar.

Angry words are lightly spoken,
Bitterest thoughts are rashly stirred,
Brightest links of life are broken,
By a single angry word.

                              unknown