1.
Practice radical civility, defined as the “practice of
being courteous and polite.” No matter how you feel, and no matter how your “ex”
is acting, never regress below civility. You can be assertive, even angry, and
remain civil. And you will always, without fail, accomplish more by doing so.
Your out-of-control emotions or punitive behaviors will only justify and
reinforce those aspects of your ex.’s personality that you hate. It may feel
good to emotionally punish your ex, but it will always come back to you in a
negative way. If you are co-parents, you’re
stuck together to some degree. Civility makes it the best it can be. Perhaps most importantly, it sets a good
example of mature adulthood for your children.
2.
Radical forgiveness. Forgiveness is both a
decision and an on-going process. It’s a decision that we make repeatedly,
getting better and better at it as we do. It has been defined as “setting a
prisoner free, and then discovering that the prisoner was you.” Another good definition of forgiveness is “putting
down a fifty-pound pack after a ten mile hike up a mountain.” Your ex is likely to continue doing things
that upset you. You get to choose how
upset you get, and how long you stay there. But it takes practice.
3.
Remember, there
is no winner in a divorce, especially if children are involved. No matter how
things pan out financially or otherwise, only a sociopath could feel like a
winner after a divorce. And if you are divorced from a sociopath, you should be
thankful. There could and probably should be some sense of relief in both
parties post-divorce, as things had gotten to a crucial point of suffering
leading to the divorce. But you should avoid the mindset of being the “loser”
and your ex the “winner”. I’ve seen many individuals working through the
aftermath of a divorce, and I’ve frequently seen that each of them may envy or
resent how their ex came out. When I get
to know the ex, however, I discover there is just as much suffering, perhaps of
a different nature, in that party as well. Try to remind yourself that the
divorce is just as difficult for your ex as it is for you. It is always good to
empathize with the sufferings of others, even if they have brought you some
pain.
4.
If it’s over, let
it be over. Focus ahead to your new life. Beyond learning what can be learned
from the divorce, don’t waste your time ruminating about it. When you find
yourself thinking about your ex, the divorce, etc., determine if the thinking
is productive or not; and if not, peacefully re-focus on your present and
future. Practice this over and over until you master it. Be patient with
yourself.
5.
Never go out of
your way to make things hard for your ex. This is punitive, and is
counter-productive to your progress. In fact, if it is possible without great
effort, bend yourself in the direction of helping
your ex. The Bible teaches not to return evil for evil, but rather to overcome
evil with good. I have seen sad cases when a co-parent will
not allow their ex to have the children
on a non-scheduled weekend even when it would have been advantageous for both co-parents and the children to have done so. If you reduce frustration in your
ex, you create a better co-parent for your children.
6.
Pray for
your ex.—not for revenge, but for healing, enlightenment and growth. Disciplining
yourself to pray in this way will do wonders for your spiritual growth, as it
goes against much in your baser [sinful] nature. Moreover, your child needs mature
co-parents who are moving ahead in all healthy ways. To pray for this for your
co-parent is a way to love your child/ren. It is even more powerful if you pray
for your co-parent with your child. And what a powerful and important message
this sends to that child!
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