Marriage Building: Relational Home

BUILDING A RELATIONAL HOME

1. Commit to stay in and especially to GROW in the relationship.

Vows? Intentions? Vision? Close the “exits”-- external and in the mind.

2. Get to know [and diligently avoid] the “Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse”

Defensiveness. Criticism. Stonewalling. Contempt. [Gottmans]

3. Learn to manage personal feelings. Stay out of the “Red Zone”.

Self-soothing. Inner sanctuary. Empathy and Compassion.

4. Learn to communicate

“When you...I feel...What I want is….” “This is what I heard you say...”

90% listening, 10% speaking. Seek to understand more than to be understood. Understanding does not equal agreeing. Get to know your growing and changing mate. Assume the best, not worst.

5. Learn to manage conflict. Collaborate vs. Dictate. Seek and give forgiveness. Accept influence.

(handout)

6. Create a better life together. Stay in touch with what is and has been good in the relationship. Nurture fondness and admiration. Learn, or re-learn how to be a good friend to your mate. Be thankful for your mate and all the good he/she brings into your life. EXPRESS the gratitude--- say the words. Make your heart a safe place for your mate.

7. Discover and cultivate the Shared Spiritual Life. Work together to do some good in the world. Practice Love in the broader sense. “For God so loved the world….”

A common error in relationships is an emphasis on trying to get one's mate to love him/her better rather than focusing on loving one's mate better. The need to be loved can dominate and overshadow the ability to love. Early deprivation generates a vacuous need to be loved that precludes the ability to love. Philippians 4:19 speaks to this.